"How to Survive a Concussion in an MMA Fight" by Matthew Polly - Deadspin.com

The internet came half short and twice strong today. Only two articles I saw worth your time, but both really solid ones you should read.

This one is by Matthew Polly, a dude who once wrote a book about training Kung-Fu for two years while living with the Shaolin Monks. This is about how not to be a punk about your shit in a fight. If you get punched so hard you time warp 30 seconds into the future, just keep going. Brain damage usually doesn't set in for yyeeaarrsss.

http://deadspin.com/5880477/how-to-survive-a-concussion-in-an-mma-fight

"The Red and The White" by Calvin Trillin - NewYorker.com

Good article by Calvin Trillin who goes in depth on something he mentioned in his last Poop Reads update--wine snobs. The gist of his article is that most people, even experts, can't tell the difference between red and white wine when it's served in a blind taste test.

Wine snobs are really the pits. They're always sitting there asking for the wine to be decanted, and then showing off the sediment to people around them like "oohhh can you believe we almost just drank this? Disgusting!" And I'm sitting there like, "motherfucker, three years ago I saw you puke in your own beer and keep drinking it at some shit bar at the Jersey shore. Get over yourself."

I should note I'm talking about a specific person. Eat shit, Red!

http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2002/08/19/020819fa_fact

P.S. I kid, Red's a good guy.

P.P.S. He's still way too gross to decant wine though.

"The State of the Female Singer' By Tom Junod - Esquire.com

I always thought Tom Junod was my dad's age. Was I wrong? How is he speaking intelligently on Lana Del Rey? I'm confused.

Anyway, I use the term "intelligently" loosely, because while Junod is usually dead on point, he can not sit there with a straight face and tell me that Lana Del Rey is a better singer than Florence Whateverthefuck of Florence + The Machine. That's just wrongheaded.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a Del Rey hater. She's hot and she sounds good in recordings if not on live TV. And I could give a fuck less about her stupid "authenticity." Blue Jeans is a dope song. But Dog Days Are Over is a force of fucking nature. That was probably the best song of 2010. Can't just sweep that shit under the rug because some other singer has an unparalleled set of blowjob lips. Shame on you, Tom Junod.

http://www.esquire.com/features/music/lana-del-rey-album-review-0212?click=top

"A Short Prayer for Advertising" by Stephen Marche - Esquire.com

Great article by Stephen Marche on the death of advertising as we know it. Apparently shit is all trending towards product placement? I hadn't noticed. I'm immune to advertising.* I have no disposable income so I can't be tricked into spending it on useless shit advertisers try to make me think I need to be happy. It's one of the upsides of being a writer.

http://www.esquire.com/features/thousand-words-on-culture/super-bowl-ads-2012-0212?click=pp

*Except Bud Light. I find myself buying Bud Light because of its drinkability. No bullshit. I've been brainwashed by the dumbest ad campaign of all time. I told this to some hipster ad dude one time at a party and he looked at me like he was going to throw up. Think his mouth got the waters. Bro probably spends 95% of his life convincing himself and everyone around him that he's a creative genius, and then you got guys like me fucking around and choosing Bud Light over Coors or Miller because it's more drinkable. I award you zero points, hipster ad bro. You are a failure. Better luck next life.

"Let Me Finish" by David Weigel - Slate.com

This article was pretty good, I have to say. Slate took two professional comedians, Paul F. Tompkins and some dude I've never heard of, and had them critique the three Republican candidates handling of hecklers while onstage. There's video of the specific incidents too. I gotta say, I wouldn't vote for either of these asshats in a million years, but Romney and Newtie Newt handled they bid'nis up on stage. Total shut down of the dirty stinking hippies hurling insults and poorly researched nuggets of faux wisdom at the top of their lungs. Politics is just fucking awful.

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2012/01/mitt_romney_heckler_stand_up_comics_assess_how_santorum_romney_and_gingrich_deal_with_hostile_audience_members_.html

P.S. Romney definitely wants to take that hippie teacher to an isolated rich-person ranch in Alaska and hunt him as human prey. It probably already happened.

"How to Beat up Animals when Animals Attack" by Doug Barry - ModernMan.com

I just wrote about this! It's like Modern Man (where I contribute occasionally) has a line straight into my brain. Which I guess technically they do since I write for them but that's beside the point. The point is, they totally fucked up the wolf part. My technique is so much better than "stand sideways" or whatever the mumbo jumbo is they're spewing. If it's do or die time with a wolf you gotta be a man about yours. Go in there like a boss looking to make wolf hats.

Fighting a mountain lion would be a nightmare though. I want no part of that. Shit defines "jungle cat, razor sharp." I can't defend myself against that.

I'm sneaky a little afraid to fight a raccoon too. Feel like they're dirty and infectious and likely to bite my balls. Just seems like something a raccoon would do.

http://www.modernman.com/how-to-beat-up-animals-when-animals-attack/

"Dinner, Movie, and a Dirty Sanchez" by Siobahn Rosen - GQ.com

Funny article from some chick who has banged a bunch of dudes who watch too much YouPorn. Apparently chicks don't want a thumb in the butt while you blow it in their eyeball? That's not hot? Coulda fooled me.

Real talk though, you guys are fucking twisted. I want a daughter like I want a hole in the head.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/201202/real-life-porn-sex-youporn-facial

"Hysteria and the Teenage Girl" by Caitlin Flanagan - NYTimes.com

Bitches be crazy, yo.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/opinion/sunday/adolescent-girl-hysteria.html?_r=1&hp

"The Grantland National Signing Day Extravaganza" by John Brandon - Grantland.com

Gonna let you in on a little secret. Your boy here digs high school football. All my dudes make fun of me and think it's creepy and call me Uncle Rico. But I don't know how you can be a college football fan without caring about high school. I mean you gotta know the scene. Otherwise how you gonna know who's good and who's bad? Makes no sense. It's a natural continuation of the process to know that there's no fucking way in goddam hell Trinity High is the best team in the goddam country. It's in Kentucky. Do you hear me? KENTUCKY! This ain't horses, grass, or whiskey my dude. This is high school football, and Kentucky sucks at it. Bosco man, it's Bosco all the way.

Too insider-y for you? Well fuck you. Read this and get with the program.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7507996/dorial-green-beckham-gunner-kiel-rest-top-prospects-high-school-football

"At Yale, the Collapse of Rhodes Scholar Candidacy" by Richard Perez-Pena - NYTimes.com

This story is pretty wild and I have a feeling this will not be the last we hear of it. Obviously people heard about the Yale QB who, as was widely reported, dropped his Rhodes Scholar candidacy to play in the Yale-Harvard Game.

Turns out his intentions may have not been so noble. Turns out he was accused of sexual assault, and the school may or may not or may or may not have known about it. It's all a little confusing.

There's a lot of questions raised here. Not the least of which, is why the girl, if she was assaulted by this guy, chose to lodge an "informal" complaint. Also, why aren't the cops allowed to get involved with on campus incidents a gain? How is that even possible? I want Benson and Stabler to go in there like motherfuckers and arrest this kid at the pep rally in front of the whole adoring school, maybe even mid-speech. Instead they got Dean Wormer and his merry band of Yale geeks A. not hashing out justice, but B. ruining lives anyway. Bottom line, if you get raped,for fucks sake, call the goddam cops.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/27/sports/ncaafootball/at-yale-the-collapse-of-a-rhodes-scholar-candidacy.html?_r=1&ref=sports

'Australian Politician Jacks a Movie Quote from a Michael Douglas Movie" by KFC - Barstoolsports.com

Title pretty much says it all here folks. But what are you gonna except shrug? Australia, America's fun, drunk cousin. KFC put together a list of his five favorite movie speeches of all time though, and while it's not technically an article I don't think, my god is it watchable.

http://nyc.barstoolsports.com/random-thoughts/austrailian-politician-jacks-a-speech-word-for-word-from-a-michael-douglass-movie/

"Humblebrag Power Rankings" by Harris Wittels - Grantland.com

Well, the internet giveth, and the internet taketh away. Yesterday I threw up a record seven articles in one day, today only two. But they're both solid.

This one is by Harris Wittles, a writer for Parks and Recreation, and also, obviously, Grantland. It's his Humblebrag column, which I've posted before.

So weird that Poopreads gets a shit ton of hits a day, and I don't even market the blog at all. LOLZ!!! RAOFLMAO!!!!

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7480379/harris-wittels-kanye-west-arian-foster-best-month-humblebrag

P.S. No seriously this shit is mad underground.

"Average is Over" by Thomas L. Freidman - NYTimes.com

China scares the shit out of me. There is no way we could beat them in a war. They're just biding their time, and then they're going to destroy us. I wish there was a punchline to that lead in.

Check out this passage from Thomas L. Friedman's op-ed on why Americans need to be more educated (it's a quote from an earlier Times article).

“Apple had redesigned the iPhone’s screen at the last minute, forcing an assembly-line overhaul. New screens began arriving at the [Chinese] plant near midnight. A foreman immediately roused 8,000 workers inside the company’s dormitories, according to the executive. Each employee was given a biscuit and a cup of tea, guided to a workstation and within half an hour started a 12-hour shift fitting glass screens into beveled frames. Within 96 hours, the plant was producing over 10,000 iPhones a day. ‘The speed and flexibility is breathtaking,’ the executive said. ‘There’s no American plant that can match that.’ ”

"Can't Lose: The Hold Steady's Craig Finn Goes Solo" by Amos Barshad - Grantland.com

The internet gods were kind as hell today. This is my 7th article of the night and quite frankly I'm spent. This is an awesome profile of the awesomest dude going, Craig Finn of The Hold Steady, the best band in the world. He released a solo album today called Clear Heart Full Eyes that is partially inspired by Friday Night Lights. Awesome, just awesome. Can't wait to hear it.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/41803/cant-lose-the-hold-steadys-craig-finn-goes-solo

"Laird Hamilton Says: Turn Your Workout Upside Down" -MensJournal.com

This is Laird Hamilton's new workout column for Men's Journal. Can't really argue with anything the guy says, physically speaking he is closer to a God than maybe anyone on the planet. It's like him and Lebron in my book. Maybe Gronk.

Here he espouses the value of headstands, which is funny because yesterday I did a headstand in my living room, tweaked something in my back HARD, and ended up on the floor in the fetal position for a full five minutes. Haha, funny coincidence! Sometimes I get weird.

http://www.mensjournal.com/laird-hamiltons-says-turn-your-workout-upside-down

"The Quarterback Bangability Index" by TurkeyCurryBuffet.com

My boy Lip sent this to me and quite frankly it's probably the gayest thing I have ever read in my life. I have no idea how lip came across it, and I don't think I want to know. My man gets into some weird shit sometimes. That being said, it's pretty readable, particularly for all you female Poopies (Poopettes?) out there. It's some female blogger rating the bangability of a bunch of NFL quarterbacks.

I will say this. Alex Smith is a good looking man. That doesn't mean I got the gay, it just means I have eyes.

http://turkeycurrybuffet.com/2012/01/24/the-quarterback-bangability-index/

thanks to lip

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

I have no idea why I even post these. Oh wait yes I do. I check my stats and you guys love them for some reason. Here's Drew Magary on dieting, locker room creeps, and wanting to punch high schoolers.

http://deadspin.com/5878811/how-to-lose-weight-without-wanting-to-kill-yourself

"Your Guide to Mitt Romney's Tax Return" by Jim Newell - Gawker.com

Gawker does a decent job explaining just what the big uproar is over Mitt Romney's tax return. Dude paid something like 15% on the $20 million a year or so he was making, mostly off of interest. For those of you playing along at home, that means Mitt Romney pays about $3 million dollars a year in taxes. Yes that percentage is lower than most Americans pay, but the gross is also significantly higher. Plus by all accounts so far he did nothing illegal. He's just a dude trying to pay as little in taxes as he can, just like every single other person in America, save I guess for Warren Buffet. Romney just happens to be filthy stinking rich.

Listen I wouldn't vote for this dude in a million years. The guy's never drank a beer, he looks like an evil stepfather from an after-school special, and I don't trust him. That being said, the people that are mad at Mitt for his taxes aren't mad at him. They're mad at the system, or maybe they're just mad at themselves for being poor.

http://gawker.com/5878851/your-guide-to-mitt-romneys-obscene-tax-situation

"Your Average Business Trip Gone Horribly Wrong" by GSElevator - Totalfratmove.com

When push comes to shove* there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that beats a good poop story. This one from GSElevator had me near tears the other night when I read it.

http://totalfratmove.com/782530

*pun intended

thanks to bones

"Why the Giants Targeted a Player Prone to Concussions" by Barry Petchesky - Deadspin.com

I guess we're all supposed to act surprised here that the Giants knew Kyle Williams had a concussion history and went after him, I suppose trying to concuss him. Really? We're supposed to be surprised? Why come? That's football 101. Not even. That's contact sport 101. In boxing, if the guy's eye is cut, you punch the shit out of it. In karate, if the dude's got a trick knee, you sweep that fucking leg. In football, if Kyle Williams brain doesn't work right you hit him right in his domepiece so hard he doesn't realize a key punt just bounced right off his jelly legs. It's really pretty simple.

Also, why is Deadspin even talking about this? I thought by this point everybody involved with the NFL, coaches, players, fans, brass, were in tacit agreement that yes the players are killing each other slowly on the field, and even if it's not right, it's still OK.

http://deadspin.com/5878686/why-the-giants-targeted-a-player-prone-to-concussions

"Why the Cast of Jersey Shore Must Acknowledge Its Fame" by Patti Greco - NYMag.com

Let's get one thing straight up front. In the history of television. In the history of men, and I use that term liberally, I don't know that I have ever despised anyone more than Vinny Guadagnino. Dopey, big-dicked, balogna-skinned Vinny moping around Seaside Heights with his cunty haircut complaining about getting paid millions of dollars to get drunk and have sex with girls who he wouldn't even sniff if he wasn't on the show. Then (THEN!) he has the balls to look into the camera and say "I'm strong. I'm a fighter, but this is too much" and then walk off the show. Basically he was at great pains to not say "I want my mommy." Which is all his stupid "anxiety" problems are about. Hey Vin, your mom lives a half hour away and you're filming for a month. You're not strong, and you're not a "fighter." You are, in no uncertain terms, a gaping vagina.

At the time they filmed this show the US was fighting two different land wars in Asia, chock full of dudes Vinny's age who actually are fighters, who are 6,000 miles away from their moms and everyone else they know and love, who might get blown to smithereens at any second, and who don't get to drink and have sex with dimes for millions of dollars. Pretty sure every single one of those dudes would trade places with you in a heartbeat and be more entertaining to watch too, because you fucking suck. Get off Paulie D's nuts, loser. In conclusion, FUCK YOU VINNY. I don't even remember what this article is about. Can't stand that guy.

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2012/01/why-the-cast-of-jersey-shore-must-acknowledge-its-fame.html

"Why Is San Francisco So Liberal?" by Brian Palmer - Slate.com

I got nothing against San Fran. People seem like they mean well even if they're a little smug and annoying, and they have good food and beer. Vernon Davis is a grade A asshole, and it's not a warm city. That's it. That's pretty much my whole take on the Bay Area (not including Oakland which is up there with India and China on the list of places I don't have any interest in visiting). I like Anchor Steam and I don't like weirdo passive-aggressive hipsters or overly emotional tight ends. Read on.

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/explainer/2012/01/newt_gingrich_says_president_obama_is_beholden_to_san_francisco_leftists_why_is_the_bay_area_so_liberal_.html

"Inside the Homes of Mexico's Rich and Famous" by Damien Cave - NYTimes.com

I'll give you a hint ... they're all places where drug dealers used to live (and there's a slide show).

I want nothing to fucking do with Mexico. Diarrhea and corrupt cops. That's all they got down there. That and bloodthirsty assassins who make it so that if you go there for vacation and come back with your head still attached to your neck it's considered a good trip. Fuck that. Send my ass to Costa Rica, the food ain't all that but at least the zip lines won't give me the runs.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/19/garden/inside-the-homes-of-mexicos-alleged-drug-lords.html?_r=2

P.S. Diarrhea is sneaky the hardest word in the English language to spell. Had legit zero clue there were two R's chilling in there until 20 seconds ago.

"Michael Jordan's Tragic Style" by Wesley Morris - Grantland.com

Michael Jordan dresses like a fucking asshole. Which I guess makes sense, because by all accounts, Michael Jordan is a fucking asshole. Seriously though, shredded fucking jeans? What is he on his way to sticking out like a sore thumb at a Korn concert? Or in his case, sticking out like a black guy at a Korn concert?

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7475987/wesley-morris-michael-jordan-awful-style

"Spaceman Time Warp: A stoned baseball fan’s look at Bill Lee’s High Times cover story" by Brett Phelps - TheGoldenSombrero.com

So Bill "Spaceman" Lee was this huge stoner, professional pitcher in the 70s. Dude once pitched a no-no on acid. Then he became a cult figure. Appeared on the cover of High Times while still an active player. Here's an insightful reader's review of the High Times profile of him. Fans used to throw dimebags at him. He loved it.

http://thegoldensombrero.com/archives/5834

"The Truth About Marianne Gingrich" by John H. Richardson - Esquire.com

So Ol' Newty Newt's second wife is gonna go on TV tonight and say he is not fit to be president because his actions don't match up to his words when it comes to family values (sort of a big deal for the GOP). Fair enough,he had been fucking around behind her back for six years, even going so far as to ask for an open marriage.* But Esquire's John H. Richardson has spent a lot of time with her, and what she told him about Newt is much, much worse.

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/politics/marianne-gingrich-interview-6641643?click=pp

*Kinda gotta respect the balls on that one. Newt comin' in all smoove like "yo baby let's play the field. It'll be real cool." That fat Dwigth Shrute-looking motherfucker.

"Why Should We Stop Online Piracy" by Matthew Yglesias - Slate.com

I didn't read this. This SOPA shit bores me to tears. I don't give a fuck, and if you posted about SOPA today on your Facebook status you are officially a nerd. Congratulations, I'm sure you've known it somewhere deep down inside, but now there's incontrovertible evidence to your nerd-dom. You're welcome.

That being said, I beat Wikipedia's blackout today. Hit delete right when the page pops up. Bam. Wikipedia doesn't redirect. When I found this out today I swear to God I might have been the smartest person in the world for just a little while. Like everybody else on Earth was working around with no basal knowledge of anything, freaking out and shit, and I was just sitting there like Krang, just a huge brain knowing everything. Guess that's why I run Poop Reads and you read it folks. Blogging takes vision. It takes a vast and continental knowledge base. It takes an iron will.

http://www.slate.com/articles/business/small_business/2012/01/sopa_stopping_online_piracy_would_be_a_social_and_economic_disaster_.html

"YouTube HOF: Terrible Musical Performances on TV" - Grantland.com

You know by now I like this series a lot. Mostly because every single time I post I write something along the lines "I love this series." But this one in particular is good. The smokepop singing "Fuck You Right Back" is probably my favorite (great, succinct write-up) and then the Britney performance is of course unreal. She was not ready for that. Still a little overweight, high as shit on something prescribed, coordination of a boxer past his prime. Still though, I would. Happily. So would you. Don't lie.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/41338/youtube-hof-terrible-musical-performances-on-tv

"9 Things I Learned In The Parent Encouragement Program, AKA Shitty Parents Anonymous" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Parenting. That's what's next. Little noise-making poop machines running around sucking up all your time and resources. Forever. If you have five kids you're literally putting in a century's worth of man hours raising them, and at least two of them will probably grow up to hate you anyway. Parenting. That's what's next.

Here's Drew Magary rehashing his parenting class, which, if you pay attention, will hopefully ensure that only 2 of the 5 hate you, and not all of them. So read up.

http://deadspin.com/5875779/9-things-i-learned-in-the-parent-encouragement-program-aka-shitty-parents-anonymous

"Everything I Needed to Know about Startups I learned from a Crime Boss" by Donald DeSantis - Gigaom.com

This dude Donald DeSantis is apparently a succesful entrepeneur? I'm always dubious of that title. Anyway he learned all his business acumen from some LA drug kingpin it sounds like. This is kind of like the ten crack commandments for MBA dudes.

http://gigaom.com/2012/01/07/desantis-startups-crime-boss/

"Coast Guard Raged at Liner Captain, Tape Shows" by Philip Pullella - Yahoo.com

Dudes been keeping up with this? This Italian Ocean Liner crashed off of the Italian coast because the captain wanted to swing by the shore and "salute" his friend. Inevitably, he hit a rock, the ship sunk, people died, and he was the very first one off the boat, wrapped in a blanket, surrounded by his officers. My buddy Scranga described it as like when Biggie Smalls died. Just a bunch of idiots panicking and surrounding some other idiot who done fucked up now.

Then this fool of a captain got on a lifeboat and got fucking screamed at by the Coast Guard over the radio. The transcript is here. This story would be hilarious if people didn't die. But they did, so this guy should do the honorable thing and hang himself. That's real talk there. This argument is ridic.

http://news.yahoo.com/coast-guard-ordered-ship-captain-back-board-124134509.html

p.s. I wish I knew how to embed video so I could stick in the Family Guy scene where Peter argues with the Italian butcher even though he doesn't know hot to speak Italian. Bippity boppity! Bippity BOPitty? Boppitty bippittee bippitee boppity!!!

"Rembert Explains the 80s" by Rembert Browne - Grantland.com

This article fucking killed me. I'd stamp it a must read but it might be a little too offbeat for some of y'all. Grantland sends this dude Rembert Browne a clip of something 80s related every once in a while and he writes down his thoughts as he watches it. This time they sent him an episode of Double Dare. Shit cracks me up for some reason. Marc Summers was such a prick. I think really most game show hosts are. Alex Trebek is the biggest asshole on TV. So smug. So condescending. So righteous. What a dick.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/40938/rembert-explains-the-80s-double-dare

"Don't Be the Worst: How to Date Multiple Women" by Boobs Radley - GQ.com

Nice article. I have zero use for it, but maybe some of you do. Tips on how to juggle the hoes in your stable. I'm going to go meet my fiance now. I have nothing to say about this article.

Boobs Radley is a funny name.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/201109/sex-column-how-to-date-multiple-women

"Contraband" by Dana Stevens - Slate.com

Nice little article on Mark Wahlberg here. Goes in depth on why people like him. I know why. He goes charming to psychopath in the flash of an eye and he has good abs. Chicks lluuhhhh dat shit. Also, he's a believable tough guy, because he is actually a tough guy. Or at least used to be kind of a punk. You know he did jail time as a kid for blinding some random guy with a sucker punch? Actually blinded him. Look it up.

http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/movies/2012/01/contraband_mark_wahlberg_is_our_most_effortlessly_masculine_actor_.html

"The Weasel, Twelve Monkeys, and The Shrub" by David Foster Wallace - RollingStone.com

I haven't read this yet but I can't wait to. It's DFW weighing in on the McCain2000 campaign (he toured with them for a bit). I can only imagine what this dude would have made of that.

http://www.txtpost.com/the-weasel-twelve-monkeys-and-the-shrub/

"ACI: A New Way to Measure Pretentiousness" by Calvin Trillin - Slate.com

This article is great. I might even stamp it a Poop Reads must read. Calvin Trillin describes his ACI measurement, aka, Asshole Correlation Index. Any activity, interest, or predilection gets a number, which represents the percentage of people who do it who are assholes. Here's a few of my own.

People who do coke regularly: 65
Men who order fish at steakhouses: 80
People who love the jersey shore(place not show): 45
People who hate the new jersey shore: 90
Bros who wear their hats at angles: 35
People under 40 who like jazz: 60
People who refer to themselves as "foodies": 80
Lcd soundsystem fans: 70
People under 31 who decant wine at restaurants: 100

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/low_concept/2012/01/calvin_trillin_offers_a_new_way_of_measuring_pretentiousness.html

thanks phil the dood

"YouTube Hall of Fame: Favorite Embarrassing Songs" - Grantland.com

This is fantastic. Grantland hasn't done one of these in a while, but here their editors pick their favorite embarrassing music videos and write about them. Now I don't really believe that these guys watch these videos once a day like some of them claim--complete fucking bullshit. But! They still did a good job with it.

It's actually a pretty hard subject. I've done some thinking on it and I really don't know what mine is. I mean I watch a lot of Pop Warner hard hits videos on YouTube, and I think my woman is embarrassed about that, but I'm sure as shit not. Some of those little motherfuckers can really lay the wood. Plus like, some 12 year olds are full grown men with mustaches, and others are still little kids, so the hits sometimes are just, I mean, unfair. Kids go ffllyyiinngggg. It's funny to me.

I digress. I guess if I had to pick one music video that's quote-unquote embarrassing to watch that I like, it's Ruff Ryders Anthem. It's got everything: dogs, motorcycles, snakes, fights, and lots of people who if I met in real life would probably stab me and steal my sneakers. I'm a 30 year old white dude from the burbs, the older I get, the dumber I feel listening to rap, particularly gangster rap. And DMX was about as gangster as they came. But I love it. Get's me so amped.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/40723/youtube-hof-favorite-embarrassing-songs-and-performances

Phil probably thinks he should get a shout out for this but I read it before he sent it to me. Gotta get up pretty early in the morning to beat Poop Reads.

"New York is Killing Me" by Alec Wilkinson - NewYorker.com

I didn't have a chance to read this yet because the New Yorker takes some serious time sometimes to get into and I was mad busy today. That being said it was the featured feature on their home page and it's about the dude who maybe sorta kinda invented rap. It's title, and the sharp-ass cheekbones on the dude in the picture, lead me to believe he got hooked on that china china, but like I said, that's just conjecture.

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/09/100809fa_fact_wilkinson

"Fire Congress, Dump Mississippi and Alaska" by Will Oremus - Slate.com

This is an article from Slate about how a private equity firm would run the country. Cutting the fat and selling the spare parts. Streamlining us down into one lean, mean, profit-turning, China-scaring motherfucker. I for one am all for anything that gets rid of Mississippi. Like damn, there's a lot of shitty states in the south, but everybody's got something going for them. Louisiana has New Orleans, food, and music. Florida has Miami and yachts. Alabama's got a damn stranglehold on football. Shit even Arkansas has Walmart. Mississippi's got dick. Hit the bricks bros, you're worthless.

Alaska's got all that oil but if we can't use it then sell, sell, sell. Underutilized resources like you read about on the internet. It's basically a gold mine of oil and I haven't even gotten into the timber yet. Sell it to like, France or somebody who could never ever ever beat us in a war.

Pretty sure I could run a PE firm. How hard could it be?

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/moneybox/2012/01/america_for_sale_how_a_private_equity_firm_would_flip_the_united_states_to_china_.single.html

"Why Are Smart People Usually Ugly?" by Daniel Engber - Slate.com

Simple question. Smart people are ugly because they're nerds. No der.

No really this is a pretty good article but it eschews the obvious. There's only so much good genetics to go around. Like how often do you meet someone who's smart, athletic, and good looking? Not that often, because unless their dick is an innie or something, those people have basically won the genetic lottery. But being good looking, dumb, and uncoordinated, or athletic, ugly, and stupid, shit. That's one in three. Shit makes perfect sense in my head. I don't know if I'm articulating this well, but it makes perfect sense in my brain.

Also smart people are ugly because they stay inside and do math problems instead of GTL'ing which is a real thing and actually does make you better looking. Are guidos smart? Smarter than you think.

http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/explainer/2012/01/are_smart_people_ugly_the_explainer_s_2011_question_of_the_year_.single.html

"A family learns the true meaning of the vow ‘in sickness and in health’" by Susan Baer - WashingtonPost.com

God DAMN this is a sad article. But also oddly uplifting too. This guy was a serious, respected journalist, probably capable of Poop Reads-worthy prose and then BAM! one day he had a heart attack at age 46 and became severely brain damaged. Is that a thing? I didn't even know heart attacks could cause brain damage? I thought that was strokes. Now I gotta worry about heart attacks too? I thought they either killed you or you kept on living and had to cut back on red meat and cigarettes or whatever. This is a whole new ballgame. My cholesterol is high as shit.

Anyway this guy's wife stuck with him. She sounds awesome. Moral of the story: A good woman, if you find one, hang on tight. They're a precious commodity.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/a-family-learns-the-true-meaning-of-the-vow-in-sickness-and-in-health/2011/11/04/gIQAahyAdP_story.html

thanks Alyssa

"BCS National Championship Game: What the Hell?" by Brian Phillips - Grantland.com

Yeah lots of football lately, what of it bitches? It's the post season. I read this piece today and in the middle of it I stopped and said, out loud mind you, "wow, this is really good." If you like football and especially college football this is a must read. If you like good writing this is a must read. I don't know much about this Brian Phillips cat but he has a future. Good shit.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/13677/bcs-national-championship-game-what-the-hell

"The Whole True Story of the Dougherty Gang" by Kathy Dobie - GQ.com

This is a really cool story about that group of siblings from Florida who went on a crime spree last summer I think it was. It's written by Kathy Dobie, a newish writer for GQ who has kind of made a cottage industry for herself of writing about disenfranchised, poor, southern youth. Wild, wild story, and well written too.

Decide for yourself if the author is too sympathetic to the Dougherty's. Yes their lives sound pretty bleak, but I get the feeling she glazes over the fact that the older one is probably a sociopath. Also they shot at cops a bunch of times. That being said, it's hard not to feel for them. Being poor and out of options sucks.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/newsmakers/201201/dougherty-gang-crime-story

"Is Anyone Willing to Defend Modern Rock?" by Amos Barshad - Grantland.com

By and large modern radio rock sucks a fat D. Have you listened to rock radio lately? It's fucking awful. They don't even have a station for it in New York since 101.9 died, God rest its soul. Nickelback, Creed, and whatever limpdick got 3rd place on American Idol last season and his band of pony-tailed nitwits--they all stink. Now this article casually shits on Gavin Rossdale too but I've always liked him since Sixteen Stone.

That being said, there's a ton of really good rock out there right now, you just have to find it. The Horrible Crowes, The Hold Steady, The National, yes even The Black Keys (honestly though if you haven't "found" The Black Keys yet I can't really help you.)

This post really has very little point and I kind of want to watch LSU-Bama right now so I'm out. Read this if you like rock.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/40422/is-anyone-willing-to-defend-modern-rock-n%E2%80%99-roll

"I Hate You on Facebook" by Jared Freid - BroBible.com

Here's my man Jared Freid coming in real crispy with an essay for BroBible about people he hates on Facebook, but who he doesn't defriend because he likes the hate. He feeds off of it. Comedians are sick, twisted people. This dude's a good one too. He does gigs around the city so keep your eyes peeled.

http://www.brobible.com/bronews/story/i-hate-you-on-facebook

P.S. Dudes are really out there defriending people? I've never done it. Not bragging, just being honest. I defriended 80% of my facebook friends in real life years ago, why bother to do it technologically too. Besides, I want to see who got fat. Especially if I don't like you.

"Grizzly Attack" by Madison Kahn - OutsideOnline.com

Buncha dudes got attacked by a mahfuckin' grizzly bear in Alaska. They thought it was a haystack when they first saw it, which is really dumb but whatever, benefit of the doubt, if I saw a Grizzly in the wild right up in my noseholes I'd probably piss my pants twice before the bear said ggrrr. Anyway, my man heard his own skull crack, which I for one, will have nightmares about.

http://www.outsideonline.com/outdoor-adventure/outdoor-skills/survival/Grizzly-Attack.html

P.S. I think I could take a wolf in a fight, do or die, just me or the wolf, only one bloodline makes it out. I have a whole plan. When the wolf leaps, you sacrifice the left arm, let it bite down on the forearm, and then fight through the blinding pain to put it in a headlock, jump up in the air, and crash down on it breaking its neck. Bingo bango, I declare me the winner. I'd make a dope hat out of the wolf, one of those where you can still see the wolf's face and stuff, like indians wore. Fighting through the blinding pain would be the hard part of course, but I think if I had like 6 beers in me I could do it.

P.P.S Fucking NOLS kids.

"Ask a Black Blogger" by Maurice - Barstoolsports.com

Love this series done by Maurice over at Barstool's Philly outpost. Here a white reader with minimal African-American contact asks him a bunch of questions about black people and Maurice obliges him with clarity and wit.

http://philly.barstoolsports.com/around-barstool/ask-a-black-blogger-the-smorgasbord/#more-30107

"An Insider's Guide to Chop Blocks" by Nate Jackson - Slate.com

Trying to watch the Tebow's beat Team Date Rape right now. Excuse the short entry. Here's Nate Jackson on the difference between getting chop blocked and getting cut blocked, and what dudes say on the field during the game about it.

http://deadspin.com/5873830/an-insiders-guide-to-chop-blocks

"It's an All-Football Mailbag!" by Bill Simmons - Grantland.com

Goddam is Bill Simmons not funny anymore. That being said, his readers still are and this mailbag is all about football. Enjoy.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7432606/all-football-mailbag

"You Can't Spell Lush with L-S-U" by Ben Cohen - WSJ.com

LSU's fan base drinks more than any other. No surprise there. I went to an LSU/New Orleans bachelor party last September and my liver, kidneys, heart, and sense of shame still haven't recovered. I literally thought I was going to die at points. I had a buddy that went to school in New Orleans and he drank until his appendix shut down and I think one of his frat brothers killed a campus cop or something? Lil Wayne lost his virginity when he was 4 and shot himself in the chest when he was 11. Tyran Mathieu has a blonde mohawk and he's a black man. My point is, Louisiana is different.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203471004577141180847382556.html?mod=WSJ_hpp_MIDDLE_Video_Top

"The Toughest Guys on the Court: Georgetown's True Grit" by Shane Ryan - Grantland.com

I was kind of so-so on this piece. I thought the writer got a little too cute talking about the time last summer when Gtown hoops got karate chopped into submission by some Chinese warrior basketball team, but that is neither here nor there. I know a lot of you Poopies are Hoyas and so you will read this and enjoy it. The thesis is that Gtown hoops is a better team for getting its ass beat for all the world to see. Draw your own conclusions.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/13294/the-toughest-guys-on-the-court-georgetowns-true-grit

"So What If Mountain Dew Can Melt Mice?" by Chuck Klosterman - Grantland.com

So some dude in Buffalo* or somewhere else shitty is claiming he found a mouse in his Mountain Dew bottle and wants to sue. But Mountain Dew had the absolutely positively disgusting wherewithal to say "that's impossible, if a mouse fell into a Mountain Dew bottle it would melt into a gelatinous blob of unrecognizable mouse matter." Which is shortsighted.

True or not, Chuck Klosterman, who apparently mainlines Mountain Dew all day urryday thinks it would be cool to eat a gelatinous mouse so he's defending his soda.

I dunno, slow day on the internets folks.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/40237/so-what-if-mountain-dew-can-melt-mice

P.S. Forget if it was Buffalo or not but it was someplace shitty and Buffalo seems like a prime suspect to me.

"Person of Interest: Kwame Brown" by Jay Caspian Kang - Grantland.com

Hand to God? I did not read this. But Kang? Caspian Kang? Think it's just Kang, is a good writer and there's an interesting angle here. It's basically the first in a series of profiles of all the lunatics in the NBA.

Kwame Brown was the first pick in the NBA draft in like what? 2001? And then as far as I can recall Michael Jordan coached him on the Wizards and shattered his confidence wholly and ccompletely because Michael Jordan is not-so-sneaky a humongous asshole. And Kwame Brown's life sucked from there on out. One time he did leave a pair of Gucci sunglasses on the bar at the waterfront in DC and one of my dudes ended up with him. Not sure if he swiped them or found them or what but he wore them. He looked really stupid in them too because they were designed for giant black millionaires and not white college bros, but whatever, still kinda cool.

-Hansel

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7421210/kwame-brown

"No Strings Attached" by David Roberts - OutsideOnline.com

Dudes seen this cat Alex Honnold? He's completely out of his mind. Climbs mountains, like sheer walls of rock, with no ropes or safety harness or nothing. Fucking real life Spiderman. Except I'm not sure if Spiderman can die or not? Because this guy is going to die. And soon.

Gotta respect his balls though. Got to. Here's a profile. If I knew how to embed video I would embed a video of him climbing and if you watched it I guarantee you would read this article.

http://www.outsideonline.com/outdoor-adventure/climbing/rock-climbing/No-Strings-Attached.html

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Gather round y'all! It's new funbag time. In this edition some dude asks who would win a game, an all-white NFL all-star team or an all-black one. So the obvious answer here is the black guys romp because black guys are way more athletic and if you think otherwise you are at best misguided and at worst crazy racist. But Drew Magary talks himself into the white guys winning because there are no good black kickers in the NFL. Yeah newsflash bro, there are zero white corners. This isn't 1999 and Jason Sehorn is not walking through that door, and even if he did he couldn't guard ANYBODY. Which means Team Honky is lining up some square-jawed 220 pound strong safety on Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald, and since touchdowns are worth two field goals each, the black guys win, every. Single. Time. No brainer.

Not to mention depth. Like yes, Team Snowflake has Jared Allen at DE and Wes Welker at WR. You know who they have backing them up? Precisely no one. The All Blacks have their pick basically. Such a dumb argument.

http://deadspin.com/5872698/all+white-nfl-all+star-team-vs-all+black-nfl-all+star-team-who-ya-got

"The 75 Things You Should Do Before You Die" by Tom Chiarella - Esquire.com

Hey guys, sorry I left you for so long. That was dick of me. I could say I got caught up with work or whatever which I did a little, but really I just got lazy. I promise to try my hardest not to be lazy anymore.

Anyway, in the same vain. here's a list Esquire put together of shit you should do before you die. It's not new, I think it's like 3 years old or so. And it's not perfect some of the shit is dumb, as lists always are. But it's mostly pretty good. Not a true article, a click through, but definitely worth a read.

My one question: number 34, "have a threesome." Uummm, how?

Oh and number 11, "do a flip off a diving board and nail it." Dawg if you read Esquire you're probably like 35. If you've never done a flip off a diving board A. you are severely unathletic and most likely a pussy and B. don't try it now you're just going to hurt yourself.

http://www.esquire.com/features/75-things-0808?click=pp#slide-1