"Alien Loves Predator" by Alex Pappademas - Grantland.com

Alex Pappademas bings the flames in this essay on rumors that Lana Del Rey is dating Axl Rose. I didn't know he could write like this. Dude took a look into Axl Rose's bleak, bottomless soul and found a human being. Not bad.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7796537/on-axl-rose-lana-del-rey-relationship

"Advice to Give to your 6 Year Old Son" by KFC - Barstool.com

KFC put together a list for one of his readers who is making a list of shit to tell his kid. Two most important things: Don't drive drunk, and use a rubber. Everything after that is cream cheese.

I really don't know what to tell a 6 year old though. Certainly nothing about condoms and booze. I'd probably tell him to learn other languages, learn how to fight, and learn to play the guitar. He won't understand it then, but all that shit will pay dividends in pussy and confidence when he's older, and a 6 year old's brain elasticity is such that that's the time to learn how to do that stuff. Once you start drinking you can throw neuroelasticity out the window. You're as good as you're gonna get pal.

http://nyc.barstoolsports.com/random-thoughts/reader-email-im-thinking-of-advice-to-give-to-my-6-year-old-son/

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

FUNBAG! FUNBAG! FUNBAG! You love funbags! Here's Drew Magary on whether you would shit your pants while skydiving. I might. I don't think I would, but I couldn't in good faith rule it out either.

http://deadspin.com/5899154/shitting-while-skydiving-a-physics-experiment

P.S. As you might have noticed, I'm swamped lately at work. Gonna try to post as much as possible though, just haven't had time to comb the internet for your pearls of literary wisdom. Thus, the old standby, the Funbag. If nothing else, this thing was made to read while you poop. Enjoy.

"On Dirty Books: The Fifty Shades of Grey Phenomenon" by Molly Lambert - Grantland.com

This Fifty Shades of Grey Book is all the rage with chicks right now and it's all about bondage and S&M and asses getting smacked and stuff. And all these girls are just lapping it up. A wise man once told me that somewhere deep down inside, all girls are sluts. This appears to be true.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/47210/on-dirty-books-the-fifty-shades-of-grey-phenomenon

"Is It Time for T?" by Craig Bowron - Slate.com

Those low testosterone commercials you see during football games and other manly TV events are kinda bullshit. Everybody gets old. You get weak and soft, you don't want to play sports anymore and your dick doesn't work so hot. That's why God invented whiskey. Just pour yourself a glass and enjoy the long slide down. You earned it, pal.*


http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2012/04/lowt_ads_is_testosterone_testing_important_.single.html

*If you don't feel like you earned it though maybe you should give yourself a shot of testosterone and try agin you little pussy.

"Incarnations of Burned Children" by David Foster Wallace - Esquire.com

This is old, but holy mother of goddam everything, this is maybe the most harrowing thing I've ever seen, heard, read, or smelled. Not even kidding, if you have children, or plan on ever having children don't read this. If you don't have kids, you might not want to read it either. Because I just read this on my iphone in a crowded bar and I shit you not, time stopped. It's short, only nine sentences, but that's enough time for DFW to put a rear naked choke on the English language, leaving anyone with a heart sputtering and dumbfounded. This is a master at work.

http://www.esquire.com/fiction/fiction/incarnations-burned-children-david-foster-wallace-0900

"The Meaning of 9/11's Most Controversial Photo" by Jonathan Jones - TheGuardian.com

I guess you have to assume that the photo this piece is written about was just one fleeting instant that happened to be captured on film, and that photography can not actually encapsulate feeling, and that the medium in itself is, in a very real sense, all smoke and mirrors.

But goddamit are these hipsters hateable.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/sep/02/911-photo-thomas-hoepker-meaning

"My Kasual Kountry Weekend with the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan" by Hamilton Nolan - Gawker.com

Nice little read here from HamNo. Is he writing a book? This is a weird piece for him, more substantive than the stuff he usually puts out. He visitied the Klan in Arkansas. Shit got weird, as it has a habit of doing, when you visit the KKK, or just go to Arkansas really.

http://gawker.com/5898493/my-kasual-kountry-weekend-with-the-knights-of-the-ku-klux-klan

"An Athlete and His Money are soon to Part" by Noah Davis - GQ.com

First off, 60-80% of NFL and NBA players are bankrupt within five years of leaving their respective leagues despite average salaries of over a million dollars per year. That is fucking BONKERS. But not really. Because think about the best athlete in your high school class. Then think about how dumb he was. Then times that by ten. That's how dumb most NFL and NBA cats are. Makes more sense now, right? Torii Hunter might be the stupidest person on earth. Read the article to find out why. There's a sucker born every minute folks.

http://www.gq.com/sports/guides/201204/athletes-millionaires-bankrupt-spending?mobify=0

"The Virtues of Being Bullied" by Rich Juzwiak - Gawker.com

This gay dude who writes for Gawker got bullied when he was younger and he says it made him a stronger person. Probably a valid point. What doesn't kill you blah blah blah. What I'm more concerned with in this article is two things: One: The dude in the pictures looks more like a bully than a gay kid who gets bullied no? Cocky ass smile with Eminem hair? I dunno, that was my original thought. Second, are second graders really calling each other gay these days? I had no CLUE what gay was when I was 8. I was more interested in dinosaurs and baseball cards at the time. Not dudes fucking each other in the butt. Jesus. That shit's cray.

http://gawker.com/5897963/the-virtues-of-being-bullied

"A Death in Yellowstone" by Jessica Grose - Slate.com

Goddam this is a long article but it's worth your time. It's about grizzlies killing people in Yellowstone and people subsequently killing grizzlies for the crime. Pretty gut wrenching really. Apparently the most dangerous place in nature is not between a mama bear and her cubs, it's between an animal control officer's bolt gun and a mama bear's skull.

http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/death_in_yellowstone/2012/04/grizzly_bear_attacks_how_wildlife_investigators_found_a_killer_grizzly_in_yellowstone_.single.html

"Money Pol" by Louis Menand - NewYorker.com

Politics aside, I would never ever vote for Mitt Romeny because he's never drank a beer and you can't trust a man who has never had a beer. It's completely insane that this is the best the GOP can do. Some teetotaling, dog-abusing, Mormon dork. Get a grip Republicans. Here's your second term on a platter, Mr. President.

http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2012/03/19/120319crat_atlarge_menand

"Ladies: You Are Not As Good As You Think" by Chris Jones - Esquire.com

Chris Jones coming in guns blazing on chicks who think they're bringing the thunder in the sack but really aren't. Word to the wise Poop Readettes. Frantic intensity does not a good fuck make. Stay humble, stay thirsty.

http://www.esquire.com/features/women-who-are-bad-in-bed-0412?click=news

"Why People Cheat" by Lisa Taddeo - Esquire.com

This is a really good article written by a woman who fucks other women's husbands. Plain and simple. She tries to talk around it, make excuses, rationalize it away. But when push comes to shove, she wrecks lives. That's what she does. It's as interesting an article for what the author says about women at large as for what it says about the author herself.

http://www.esquire.com/features/why-we-cheat-0412

"10 Rules for the Perfect Bachelor Party" by Jared Freid - BroBible.com

This is my boy Jared Freid laying wood with his guide to bachelor parties. Shit made me laugh out loud a couple times.

"Too many relationship guys and you’re in for a bachelor party brought to you by the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden. Too many single guys and you’re at a bachelor party brought to you by rape."

Pretty good stuff there. He's on his way to a bach party in New Orleans. Last time I did that I legitimately thought I was going to die there. Eyes bugging out of my skull from booting so profusely. I only ate one muffaletta in three days. That was it. One stupid italian sub they hijacked and called a fucking muffuleta. It's a sub you idiots. An italian one. Act like you've been there before.

Anyway, I remember about the first four hours of the three day weekend and then my brain went all silent movie on me. I remember seeing shit, but I don't remember a goddam thing anyone said, including me.

Read this, don't be me.

http://www.brobible.com/bronews/story/10-rules-for-perfect-bachelor-party

"Why the Phony Ratings Controversy Over Bully is giving the Movie Industry a Wedgie" by Tim Grierson - Gawker.com

Sorry everybody, I've been AWOL like whoa lately. My internet connection got switched around and fucked my whole operation up. Internet shutting down on me mid-sentence and shit. It wasn't cool. It was either give up the blog or go completely and utterly berserk, so I had to lay off for a bit. Now it seems like the internet has decided to work again so I'm gonna do my best to blog as much as possible. So there you have it. My bust, I promise to try to try harder.

Here's an article on the new documentary Bully about nerds who get bullied at school. It's apparently pretty harrowing and the MPAA won't give it a PG-13 rating, which Harvey Weinstein is all bullshit about and creating this whole pseudo-good-willed marketing campaign behind it in the hopes of squeezing as much money out of other people's misery as possible. This is sort of an expose. Interesting stuff though. Hollywood really is a vacant wasteland of greed and despair.

http://gawker.com/5896889/why-the-phony-ratings-controversy-over-bully-is-giving-the-movie-a-wedgie

"Men's Magazines Aren't Necessarily Doing Them Any Favors" - Jezebel.com

Here's an article from those crazy-eyed biscuits over at Jezebel about men's magazines and their sex columns, which apparently mostly suck except for two of them? To which I say, fuck that, I learned everything I know about sex from the Maxim sex column I used to read when I was 12 and my sex game is vicious. I think. Maybe. Pretty sure.

Nah I kid, I'm nice.

http://jezebel.com/5891358/mens-magazines-arent-necessarily-doing-them-any-favors

"The Myth Of Bisexuality, the Shame of Promiscuity, and Other Confessions of a Therapist" - Gawker.com

I don't really fucks with psychiatry because I'm Irish and we're impervious to that shit. Mainly because we drink our way through problems and if you went to a psychiatrist drunk you'd just spew babble at him until he told you to go home and dry out.

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, this is some psychiatrist (Psychologist? The one who listens to you whine but can't prescribe drugs to shut you up) Gawker found to speak anonymously about how completely f'cocked his patients are. It's really pretty interesting. Human beings are all maniacs, bro. True story.

http://gawker.com/5890626/the-myth-of-bisexuality-the-shame-of-promiscuity-and-other-confessions-of-a-therapist

"Vamos Indios" by Robert Andrew Powell - Grantland.com

This is a book excerpt from a dude who followed around the soccer team for Juarez, Mexico--the most dangerous city in the world. How much does Mexico have to suck to be more dangerous than Iraq right now? Or fucking Uganda were Joseph Kony is making kids kill their own parents? Mexico. Won't catch me there anytime soon. Corrupt as shit. Poop Reads is taking a stand against Mexico. Place blows. Go to the Keys instead.

Also, you have to be completely out of your Mexican gourd to want to play pro soccer for a team in Juarez. Seems like a great way to get your dome lopped off after a loss some drug baron put a mil on. No fucking thanks.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7658418/an-excerpt-robert-andrew-powell-book-love-not-cowards-soccer-ciudad-juarez

"How You Should Feel About Kony 2012, the Campaign That’s Taking Over the Internet: A Guide" by Max Read - Gawker.om

Don't know if you've heard about this Joseph Kony dickhead but he's apparently terrorizing little kids in Africa? And this San Diego group Invisible Children made a video about his atrocities that went viral today. Everybody and their mom on Facebook and Twitter talking about this stuff. And none of them, and by none I mean, maybe like 12 of them can pick Uganda out on a map. Shit I thought it was a country that it borders and I'm pretty sure that makes me a borderline genius.

Either way, here's everything you need to know about Joseph Kony, Invisible Children, and basic geography so you can speak intelligently this weekend when people get drunk and start crying about the children.

http://gawker.com/5891610/how-you-should-feel-about-kony-2012-the-campaign-thats-taking-over-the-internet-a-guide

"YouTube Hall of Fame: The Wire" - Grantland.com

Y'know I just didn't see anything worth Poop Reading today UNTIL I found this just now. YouTube Hall of Fame for the Wire. GIT OFF ME!!!!! I am so pumped to watch this. Best show of all time combined with one of my favorite regular web columns. Oh this is gonna be so good. So so very wonderful. Excuse me I need a moment.

I watched a few clips of The Wire today, including when Slim Charles pops Cheese, and god DAMN was that a good scene. Slim Charles was the man, and Method Man was so damn good at playing a slimy, two-faced slug. It felt so good to watch him get his wig split. Really brought me back. Enjoy.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/45133/youtube-hof-the-wire

"The Saints, Head-hunting, and (Another) Disaster for the NFL" by Charles Pierce - Grantland.com

Charles Pierce's whole schtick is getting a little tiresome to me. I know I've touted him in the past, and he's a good writer no doubt. But between his undeniably self-righteous politics blog at Esquire and pieces like this one about the Saints bounty scandal, you begin to wonder how his mind got so high while his head stayed buried so low in the sand.

I'm almost insulted by all the 'outrage' about this Saints thing. Like we're supposed to be surprised that football players are trying to hurt each other? And multi-millionaire professional football players are putting down infinitesimal percentages of their salaries on who can hurt who? The horror. I mean no fucking shit this is going on. It's going on with every team in the NFL I'd bet. It was going on at the University of Miami and those guys didn't make an honest cent playing the game. Even Brett Favre, who got slobber-knocked left and right by these very Saints was just sort of like "yeah, that's football" when he was interviewed about 'the scandal.'

So save me the self-righteous blather about saving players' health and whatnot. They're all big boys. They signed on to run into each other at full speed and now they know the ramifications of their actions and you know what? By and large, they still don't seem to care. Because if they didn't play pro football they wouldn't have any money or women or nice cars or or big homes, and a lot of them would be pumping gas, teaching gym, selling insurance, or, in I'd wager more than a few cases, dead or in jail. At least they're honest with themselves about it. I can respect the hell out of that.

Bottom line, football is a violent game played by mean and angry men. As long as that's true there's always going to be imminent risk involved. And if you don't want to watch it, if that violence insults you, that's fine. Go watch soccer. I hear the US beat Italy 1-0.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7647468/the-new-orleans-saints-nfl-concussions

P.S. Realest shit I ever wrote.

P.P.S. Still a decent article to read about this Saints stuff.

"What Makes Mad Men Great" by Matt Zoller Seitz - NYMag.com

I don't know if you've heard, Mad Men is back in like two weeks. This dude Matt Zoller Seitz, who I've never heard of and who has a pretty low profile in general I guess, absolutely crushes this article about what makes Mad Men so good. It's not often that I read something and think "god DAMN that was well written." But this, kids, this had that effect. The finishing sentence in and of itself is worth reading the article for. Hats off to Zoller Seitz, whomever he may be.


http://www.vulture.com/2012/03/what-makes-mad-men-great.html

"Magic Mountain" What Really Happens at Davos" by Nick Paumgarten - NewYorker.com

The New Yorker sent some correspondent to go cover Davos. I only got through the first couple of pages but it ain't bad. If you're into that Davos stuff. Kind of sounds like summer camp for rich and powerful people. I got nothing else to say about that.

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2012/03/05/120305fa_fact_paumgarten

"Olivia Munn's Cellphone E-Mail Got Hacked ..." - Barstoolsports.com

Sorry guys. I have very little for you today. I try to keep the quality control here tight and the internet simply didn't bring it today.

That being said, the best thing I saw all day was the messages Olivia Munn sends her boyfriend along with naked pictures of her. Honest to god the text is maybe hotter than the photos. This chick is dduurrtttyyy. God bless her slutty little heart. She should run a school where you can send you girlfriend to slut her up just like 10-15 percent. Clearly you don't want anybody long term doing/saying shit like Olivia gets into, because there's no satisfying a chick like that. But still, I like her style and everyone can use a sensei. Do you, Munn.

NSFW.

http://www.barstoolsports.com/boston/super-page/olivia-munns-cellphone-or-email-got-hacked-and-now-i-am-obsessed-with-her-and-need-to-fuck-her/

"Rembert Explains the '80s: Out of This World" by Rembert Browne - Grantland.com

These things crack me up. Here Rembert Browne breaks down an episode of Out of this World, you remember, with the chick whose dad was an alien who she spoke to through a glass prism. I don't have much else to say about this, shit is ridic.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/44788/rembert-explains-the-80s-out-of-this-world

'The Sopranos Five-Year Cut to Black" by Steven Hyden - Grantland.com

If you're a Sops fan this is a must read. Great article about the final episode of Sopranos, which is about to be five years old. Two things to say about this. One, I think it's pretty obvious that Tony died. The conversation he had with Baccala on the boat earlier in the season about how when you get shot you probably don't even know it was an obvious foreshadowing. But also I was watching The Godfather this weekend and noticed that whats-his-face in the Italian bar that Michael shoots with the cop, he says just before he dies "try the veal, it's the best in the city" which is almost word for word what Tony says about the onion rings "try the onion rings, they're the best in the state" just before it all goes black. Too much of a coincidence for me.

I used to think that the ending was more nuanced than that, and was supposed to be a meta play on the viewership, sort of chastising them for caring about a fictional bad guy. But now I think it's more cut and dry than that. RIP, Tony.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7634326/revisiting-finale-sopranos-s-place-history-television

"Bullfighter's Return Stuns a Hardened Sport" by Raphael Minder - NYTimes.com

So this Spanish bullfighter got his whole shit broke by a bull last year and lost an eyeball in the process. Now he's making a comeback, which I guess is cool. Fall off the horse, get right back on it. Get curb stomped by a cow, stab the cow with a hundred spears until it dies. Yada yada yada. My only thing here is, how the fuck do you dodge a charging bull when you have no depth perception? This seems poorly thought out.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/02/world/europe/bullfighters-return-stuns-a-hardened-sport.html?_r=1&hp

"Encounters with Unexpected Animals" by Bret Anthony Johnston - Esquire.com

I don't usually post a lot of fiction on Poop Reads, can't remember if I ever have actually, but this short story from Esquire was pretty awesome. It's about sex, love, kids, parenting, and the dangers of thinking you're smarter than everybody else. Good read.

http://www.esquire.com/fiction/encounters-with-unexpected-animals-story-0312?click=news

"Star-to-Be Who Never Was" by Harvey Araton - NYTimes.com

So Lenny Cooke was this Jersey/Brooklyn kid who ten years ago was supposed to be the best high school basketball player in the country. Then he went to the ABCD camp and a kid one year younger than him, by the name of Lebron James, destroyed his whole persona with one well-timed three-point shot. Uhh, as you can see in the picture, Lenny Cooke didn't really pan out as an NBA star.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/04/sports/basketball/lenny-cooke-star-to-be-who-never-was.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&src=dayp

"Navy SEALs: Obama's Secret Weapon" by Daniel Klaidman - TheDailyBeast.com

Haven't read it yet. Going to read it. Navy SEALs like whoa. Of course I want to know how Obama figured out how to use these badass motherfuckers.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/02/19/navy-seals-obama-s-secret-army.html

"The Urban Survival Skills That Everyone Should Know" by Thorin Klosowski - Lifehacker.com

Poop Reads must read here guys, just because I like you. This article from Lifehacker has every conceivable urban emergency and how to survive it, complete with written directions and a lot of Youtube videos. It's pretty long, I haven't even made my way through it yet, but I am going to finish it. Because I don't want to die in a fire, or get killed by a mugger, or drown in a tsunami, or get eaten by a crackhead. These are real things. These are things that happen. You best protect ya neck.

http://lifehacker.com/5889600/macgyver-survivalist-or-stockpiler-the-urban-survival-skills-everyone-needs-to-know

"13 Right-Wing Talking Points for the Simmons-Obama Podcast" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Am I the only one who can't really fathom that the Sportsguy scored an interview with a sitting president? This is damn near amazing to me. This is a dude who made guys like me laugh my balls off in my cube in 2005, writing about his idiot friends and cockamamie syllogisms between Roadhouse and the Boston Red Sox. I mean it's flabbergasting that he's gonna sit down down with Obama and chew the fat and people are going to listen. I don't know, I know he's lost his fastball as of late, at least writing-wise, but damn, hard not to feel good for the guy, you know? Here's to you, Bill Simmons. To quote Joe Biden, this is a big fucking deal.

http://deadspin.com/5889588/13-right+wing-talking-points-for-the-simmons+obama-podcast

P.S. Oh shit, almost forgot, Drew Magary came up with a list of ridiculous shit for right-wing asshats to jump on Simmons and Obama about. Pretty funny.

"YouTube Hall of Fame" - Grantland.com

The best baseball moments recorded on film in pop culture. Pretty cool stuff. No crying in baseball, Field of Dreams, etc.

What I'm more interested in talking about in re: great baseball moments is, did you know that Kirk Gibson was basically the fastest white dude of all time? Look it up, that same mustachio'd Kirk Gibson who hobbled around the bases in the '88 World Series after jacking that home run. Apparently he played flanker at Michigna State and when he came out he was supposed to be the next Mickey Mantle. Like the greatest raw, white talent anybody had ever seen. Reports coming in that he ran a 4.1 forty. Shit is incredible to me, though I've mentioned this to about 30 different people today and I think maybe one person cared and he works with me so he may have just been being professionally diplomatic. Whatever, shit is bananas.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/44596/youtube-hof-special-spring-training-baseball-in-pop-culture-edition

"Wall Street Bonus Withdrawal Means Trading Wall Street for Coupons" by Max Abelson - Bloomberg.com

I almost feel bad posting this because I know a lot of finance heads read this and most of them are genuinely good dudes who are just trying to do the best they can. That being said, HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE THE PEOPLE IN THIS ARTICLE COMPLETE SACKS OF SHIT. Read this if you want to be infuriated by some guy complaining about how people don't understand how hard it is getting by on $350,000 a year. I'm going to stop writing now because the only thing I can think of when I think of these people is redrumredrumredumredumredrumredrumredrumredrum ...

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-02-29/wall-street-bonus-withdrawal-means-trading-aspen-for-cheap-chex.html

P.S. It's not even it's true or not. Everybody gets sucked into a lifestyle, and before you know it you got a big mortgage and private schools and car payments. But have the fucking decency and common sense not to say it out loud. And DEFINITELY not to say it to a fucking reporter. Seriously how someone with their head this far up their ass got to this point financially should worry all of us. Something ain't right.

"Audi vs. BMW: The War Escalates" by Rob Schwartz - Forbes.com

This was bearly Poop Readable but I still thought it was cool. A short history of a billboard war being waged in California between Audi and BMW. For my money Audi is making the best looking cars on the road right now. Just crushing it with their designs. I'd buy one if I made more than average blogger. Which is zero dollars.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/robschwartz/2012/01/29/audi-vs-bmw-the-war-escalates/

"The Malice at the Palace" by Jonathan Abrams - Grantland.com

This is an oral history of the fight where Ron Artest beat some nerds ass in the stands because some fat asshole threw his beer at him. Pretty solid.

How much would it take for you to fight Ron Artest? I'd do it for 70 grand. I don't know, the number just speaks to me. I'm not getting my ass beat into oblivion by a crazy giant from Queensbridge for a cent less either. Seventy grand or the deal's off.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7612311/an-oral-history-malice-palace

"Is this the Sexiest Non-Nude Movie Scene of All Time" by El Pres - BarstoolSports.com

Not technically an article but whatever. El Pres from Barstool ranks the top ten sexiest non-nude movie scenes of all time. Watch it on your Ipads or whatever. I don't fuck with tablets. I'm barely fucking with wireless internet right now, which is why I can't actually watch these videos because my shit keeps buffering. Wireless internet sucks. It does not work, you can not tell me otherwise. Give me wires and a fast internet connection, or give me death.

http://www.barstoolsports.com/boston/super-page/is-this-the-sexiest-non-nude-movie-scene-of-all-time/

P.S. He forgot the possession scene with Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters. Are you the gatekeeper? You're goddam skippy I am. I woulda knocked the bottom out of that demon, I swear to god.

"If You Feel OK, Maybe You Are OK" by H. Gilbert Welch - NYTimes.com

You're not fucking sick. You're not lactose intolerant, you just fart a lot. You don't have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, you're just tired like everyone else in the world is. And you're not allergic to gluten, you're just a pain in the ass who wants other people to plan their meals around you.

That's basically the gist of the article. People need to stop worrying about their health. It all probably evens out, between the stress you put on your heart by worrying about that freckle on your shoulder, and the chances it's actually a deadly cancer. Mathematicaly speaking, you're still probably gonna live til you're 87. So pour yourself a drink and shut the fuck up.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/28/opinion/overdiagnosis-as-a-flaw-in-health-care.html?_r=1&hp

P.S. I have a buddy who hasn't been to the doctor for a check up in years. He just gives blood every now and again, and figures if he has AIDS or something they'll test it and tell him. It's genius. Kid saves money on doctors like a motherfucker. That's the kind of ingenuity America was built upon.

P.P.S. Yes Kyle, it is Chuck.

"In Defense of Ryan Braun" by Charles P. Pierce - Grantland.com

I didn't get a chance to read this but I trust Charles Pierce and some of my dudes got all riled up about it today so I say read it. I haven't been really following this story but I don't see how if the dude didn't get any bigger or heavier or faster or whatever, how could he have been doing steroids? I'm no scientist but that shit doesn't make any sense to me. Was he taking duds? Because taking shitty steroids shouldn't be illegal. Dude's just shrinking his nuts with no upside. My two cents.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7620049/in-defense-ryan-braun

"I Went to the Pre-Oscar Celebrity Gifting Suites and All I Got Was This Sense of Disgust" by Hamilton Nolan - Gawker.com

It's true what Ben Kingsley said on the Sopranos, the richest people in the world could afford anything they want if anyone ever charged them for it. But they don't get charged. Hamilton Nolan goes behind the scenes at the OSCARs to see for himself the ridiculously nice shit celebrities get for free. Just in case being rich, talented, and beautiful wasn't enough, they get cool shit handed to them too. Bullshit. Eat the rich.

Or just make me rich. Either/or.

http://gawker.com/5888267/i-went-to-the-pre+oscar-celebrity-gifting-suites-and-all-i-got-was-this-sense-of-disgust

"Dog in the Building: DMX Returns" by Kevin Lincoln - GQ.com

D! to the M! to the X! Last I heard you cowards were having sex, with the same sex! I made a workout mix with a bunch of DMX songs a few weeks back and A. DMX is hands down the best performer of all time to lift weights to and B. I woke up with that line in my head one day and kept saying it in the morning while I was getting ready for work and I think I managed to give my fiance cold feet.

In my humblest of opinions, DMX is one of the greatest rappers ever, in the top 10 for sure, and supremely underrated as a lyricist. He came off so hardcore and crazy barking and shit, but some of his lyrics were straight up thoughtful and even clever. Also I'd say he has one of the very best rap voices of all time. No one ever in hip hop has managed to sound quite as menacing as Dark Man X, and that's not up for debate.

Which is why this article about his latest comeback attempt is a little sad. It really sounds like he's just had it. He's trying to stay true to himself, but the drive to go forward and the market for his stuff just doesn't exist. Sucks. Dude's a legend.

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/music/201202/dmx-interview-rapper-comeback

P.S. The opening line in this story, about how the writer isn't sure if DMX is being sincere when he says he's grateful for the interview, I believe he truly was thankful. My boy T. Dubs is kind of into that whole scene, and has met a bunch of rappers, and said DMX was the coolest, most genuine one he ever met. Also said Suge Knight was cool too. But Fabolous was a gigantic dickhead. I could see that.

"The Top Eight Reactions From the 2012 Oscar Winners (and Losers)" by Amos Barshad - Grantland.com

My boy Glennzo mentioned this article to me today and said that Amos Barshad killed it. I read it and it didn't really crush me or anything, but then again I didn't watch the oscars, so uh, do you with that what you will.

Am I the only one who doesn't get the fascination with Meryl Streep? Are people really going to the movies to see her act? Does any straight male in America think she's as "bbeeaaauuttiiffulllll" as chicks insist she is? I just, I don't know, like I said, she's fine, she's a good actress, but I'm not kicking down doors to see her movies and I don't know anyone who is.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/44423/the-top-eight-the-reactions-from-the-2012-oscar-winners-and-losers

"The Sound of Violence" by Daniel Engber - Slate.com

Slate explains why punching sounds in movies went from dull thuds to wet crunches. It's way more interesting than I just made it sound. Shit got mad visceral because you sick animals want it that way. Also, I haven't seen Drive, but from the clip I saw embedded in this article it looks like Ryan Gosling stomps some guys head completely off? Props there. Do you, Gosling.

http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/culturebox/2012/02/drive_the_sound_editing_in_the_elevator_stomping_scene_.html

"The Kremlin's Not Laughing Now" by Josh Yaffa - NYTimes.com

Here's my man Josh "Hove" Yaffa comin' in hot with a New York Times column on Russian satire in the face of political disenfranchisement and fraud. Russians aren't funny, as a rule. They'd rather face chronic oppression with a tall glass of cheap vodka and a bleak sense of fatalism. But now apparently the worm has turned and they're running around with pictures of Putin wearing condoms as hats, so, good for them? Feel like everybody that makes a joke about Putin has about 6 months to live if they're lucky, before they randomly come down with a case of acute arsenic poisoning. Dude is ruthless. Eyes like coal.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/26/opinion/sunday/political-satire-returns-to-russia.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=yaffa&st=cse

"Where's George" by Jane Mayer - NewYorker.com

Politics. Super PACs. Donations. Finance. Blah blah blah. I didn't read this but some of you cats like this politics bullshit so I'll post it.

You know it doesn't matter who you vote for though right? Might as well write in Poop Reads as your president. Your vote doesn't matter for shit and even if it did the dudes who are running are so minimally differentiated and incapable of changing anything that it doesn't mean a thing. Not a hoot. Politics is just something that exists so shifty politicians can grift money and have sex with chicks that wouldn't talk to them otherwise. The only other reason it could possibly exist is so that assholes can 'argue' about it in the hopes of making someone else look stupid because they just read something in the Economist or heard Bill O'Reilly spout out some populo-elitist bullshit and want to tell people about it. People that argue about politics should drink 10 whiskey sours and drive themselves home.

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/newsdesk/2012/02/george-soros-democrats.html

P.S. George Soros is one weird looking motherfucker huh?

"The Nostalgia Fact-Check: Does The Bodyguard Hold Up?" by Kyle Buchanan - NYMag.com

I don't really remember The Bodyguard except for the fact that the music was literally everywhere when I was like, what? Eleven? I also remember the samurai sword scene, Whitney Houston would melt your dick right off your hips in that scene. Other than that, there was a toy boat blowing up and some weirdo hard-tittied robot costume that Whitney wore. That's all I got.

Costner, was he underrated, overrated, or perfectly rated? Always seemed kind of boring to me for a hollywood megastar. Never really saw it. He seemed like Harrison Ford's kicked-down and beat-up little brother. Harrison Ford sneaky grossed more than any other film star ever. Stars Wars, Indiana Jones, the Patriot Games movies. Fact. Look it up.

http://www.vulture.com/2012/02/nostalgia-fact-check-does-the-bodyguard-hold-up.html

"John Fairfax Loved Hookers: Ten ‘Juicy’ Stories Omitted From His NYT Obit" by Leah Beckham - Gawker.com

Oh, uh, an addendum to the most interesting man in the world's obituary. Dude llooovvveedddd hookers. Shocker.

http://gawker.com/5886695/john-fairfax-loved-hookers-ten-juicy-stories-omitted-from-his-nyt-obit

"We All Want to be Kenny Powers" by Tom Chiarella - Esquire.com

Quick hitter here. Tom Chiarella waxes philosophic on whether we want to laugh at Kenny Powers, or laugh with him. I mean, I haven't watched Eastbound and Down in a while, but at the end of season one he bangs the big tittied chick right? Doesn't everybody want to do that? Why would we laugh at him? Banging chicks with big tits is cool. Everybody knows that.

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/feature/eastbound-and-down-season-3-preview-6693273?click=pp

"Correction: Dave Grohl Does Not Hate You Because You Use a Computer" by Amos Barshad - Grantland.com

Dave Grohl laid a fart on Skrillex's head during his acceptance speech at the Grammy's. As well he should. Do you realize that Dave Grohl is only 43? That's incredible, dude was the drummer for fucking Nirvana before he became the frontman for one of the top 5 biggest bands of the last, what? Fifteen years? Talk about a career. He seems like a cool guy too. Genuine, if a litle dorky even for a rockstar. So genuine and dorky in fact, that he issued this apology for his speech, which actually makes a lot of sense and is pretty funny. I know I laughed out loud at one point, but I can't remember when, it was towards the end I think.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/43903/correction-dave-grohl-does-not-hate-you-because-you-use-a-computer

"John Fairfax, Who Rowed Across Oceans, Dies at 74" by Margalit Fox - NYTimes.com

This fucking guy. How about this obit headline huh? Motherfucker rowed across the Atlantic and the Pacific. He got bored while rowing across the Atlantic, and it sounds like he used to beat it to planets (yeah), so when he crossed the Pacific he brought along a chick. Smashed her out in the canoe, which, reeally is almost as impressive as rowing across the Pacific Ocean. No ballast in those things. How did it not tip? The guy literally rocked the canoe. Also settled a fight with a gun once ... when he was 9. And was a pirate for a while. I wonder if he ever got laid?

Best obit ever. God bless John Fairfax. This is a must read.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/19/us/john-fairfax-who-rowed-across-oceans-dies-at-74.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=fairfax%20obituary&st=cse

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Drew Magary doesn't want his kid playing youth football.

His kid is probably going to be a pussy.

http://deadspin.com/5884934/only-a-fool-would-want-his-kid-to-play-football

"Jon Hamm's True Hollywood Story'' by Tom Chiarella - Esquire.com

Tell ya what. I didn't read much today. Was busy flying through the clouds on an American Airlines flight catching a fart in the face from God or Satan or both. I can't tell. Shitty day. This Jon Hamm article was probably one of the top three things that happened to me, and it's only worth reading if you're a Jon Hamm fan. So there you go. Never say I lied to you.

http://www.esquire.com/features/jon-hamm-interview-0312?click=pp

"Person of Interest: Jeremy Lin" - Jay Caspian Kang - Grantland.com

I didn't have a chance to read it but I trust Jay Caspian Kang, and Jeremy Lin is obvi hot in these streets right now. There's a lot of crazy things about this dude and this story, but the one that kills me is how much casual racism gets tossed into his overnight stardom. Motherfuckers just running around in the stands bowing to each other when he scores, and holding up signs that say "Who says Asians can't drive?" How is this just sliding by? Can you imagine if this cat was black and people were pulling this shit? There would be riots in the street. People would be getting shot in the south. Black guys would probably give up basketball en masse for hockey. It'd be pandemonium.

Jeremy Lin is a good sport.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7570431/jeremy-lin

"The Rise of the Asian Superjock" by Tom Scocca - Slate.com

Deadspin republished this Slate article from 2002 about how Asians are taking over sports like it was written by some prescient genius. It's an interesting read, but genius it is not. It points out that at the time, Tiger Woods, Ichiro, Yao Ming, and Apollo Ohno were all 'dominating' their sports.

To wit, Tiger was dominant, yes. And I'm chalking that up to the fact that he got the Asian concentration and will to practice coupled with a black man's athleticism. That combination is almost unfair.

Yao Was a-ite but he was never dominant. Ichiro was good but to say he dominant is hyperbolic to the limits. And Apollo Ohno bro? Big fish in a little pond much? Damn.

This guy can make all the arguments he wants about Asian athletic dominance, but it's a weak premise. Like, yes, a few Asian dudes have done extremely well in their chosen sports. But considering there's what? Two billion Asians on the planet? Maybe more? Shouldn't we have more than four we can point too as great athletes? And if they were the most athletic race--if such a thing should exist--wouldn't they be dominating major sports leagues, given their exorbitant percentage of the world's population? The answer on all accounts, is yes.

This article's bullshit.

http://www.slate.com/articles/sports/sports_nut/2002/09/the_rise_of_the_asian_superjocks.single.html

"My Debt to Ireland" by John Jeremiah Sullivan - NYTimes.com

John Jeremiah Sullivan is a serious writer doing serious things with this story on his Irish roots. He basically goes to Ireland and gets sloshed at a bunch of bars, but as happens with all good writers, this practice gives him great insight into himself and by extension, you, you dumb mick.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/12/magazine/john-jeremiah-sullivan-ireland.html?_r=2&ref=magazine

"The Emasculation of Wall Street" by Gabriel Sherman - NYMag.com

I love how New York magazine and all these hipster Occupy losers and whatnot are trying to tell people it's no longer cool to work on Wall Street. Like yeah it was never "cool" to work 100 hours a week in a cube with a bunch of self-impressed nerds who conflate their net worth with their self worth so you could black out at B-Bar on Thursday night, and if you work in finance and you talk about your job in front of anyone else who doesn't work in finance you--with no doubt-- are a boring tool. But it's still kind of cool that otherwise mildly normal dudes can go work at a bank and make as much money as a cornerback and fuck chicks they'd never even get a whiff of if they didn't have that loot behind them. So in some ways, working on Wall Street will always be cool. Because being rich is cool. Quit trying to tell me otherwise.

http://nymag.com/news/features/wall-street-2012-2/

"The Art of Fact Checking" by Hannah Goldfield - NewYorker.com

Ha! Writers are such dickheads. This article proves it. As far as dickheaded professions go it goes like this:

1. Small forwards
2. Bouncers
3. Writers
4. Cops
5. Vice Principals

Pretty cool look behind the scenes of how a magazine article gets put together here.

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/books/2012/02/the-art-of-fact-checking.html

"Vince Wilfork Straight Up Told The Refs They Blew A Call In New England’s Favor" by Barry Petchesky - Deadspin.com

This clip of Vince Wilfork telling a ref he blew a holding call in the Super Bowl is pretty awesome. Wilfork is one big fat motherfucker, but he does seem like a decent dude. I'd love to play with him. Just a 400 pound happy motormouth running around like a pre-diabetic 4 year old playing with a bunch of 2 year olds out there. I'd follow that guy into hell, or at least into the closest 7-11.

http://deadspin.com/5884027/vince-wilfork-straight-up-told-the-refs-they-blew-a-call-in-new-englands-favor

"10 Tips to Dating a Wall Street Man" by KFC - Barstoolsports.com

So CNBC actually published this list of things to do to keep a 'Wall Street Man' as your boyfriend. And KFC from Barstool went ahead and translated it into real talk. Pretty funny.

Really all it boils down to is this: If you're going to date a man just for his money you need to keep your body tight, keep the sex hot, and know when to shut the fuck up and mind your own business. You're a prostitute now honey, act accordingly.

http://nyc.barstoolsports.com/random-thoughts/10-tips-to-dating-a-wall-street-man-from-a-professional-upscale-matchmaker/

"Back in Play" by David Remnick - Grantland via The New Yorker

I didn't get a chance to finish this but I'll take Grantland's word that it's an all-time classic. Remnick is obviously a heavyweight and he followed Jordan around for his return season after the foray into baseball. Has to be good right? I don't know I can't make myself care about the NBA. I'm basically in a football-related K-Hole right now.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7555753/david-remnick-classic-new-yorker-story-michael-jordan-first-return-basketball

"Chipotle is Apple" by Matthew Yglesias - Slate.com

Apparently the Chipotle business model is killing the game right now? I guess that makes sense. They're everywhere. I never thought they were all that, always liked Baja Fresh better--better tortillas. But kids used to swear by this shit in college. And granted college kids don't know shit about food, but they eat a lot of it for sure. So what do I know?

http://www.slate.com/articles/business/moneybox/2012/02/chipotle_is_apple_how_the_burrito_chain_is_revolutionizing_fast_food_.html

"Survival Skills: Sugar Ray Leonard" by Sean Woods - MensJournal.com

I guess this Survival Skills series is kind of like Esquire "What I've Learned", except with the question posted along with the answer. Here Sugar Ray weighs in on what it takes to be a man, what makes him happy, and what means the most in life.

http://www.mensjournal.com/survival-skills-sugar-ray-leonard

"Men are Men" by Tom Chiarella - Esquire.com

What a glorious day on the internet. Tons of good articles. So many good ones I cut some that I initially wanted to post because the heat was brought too properly.

Here's Tom Chiarella on why you can take your little 'man-cession' and shove it right up your ass. This article is inspiring.

http://www.esquire.com/features/men-are-men-0212?click=pp

"The Greatest Drunk on Earth" by Richard English - Modern Drunkard

Another Poop Read must read. My boy Mess asked me today who I thought held the record for drinking the most beers ever in one day. My initial guess was that it had to be some Eastern European cat because all of those people are crazy and drunk. But I think if you gave me a little time I probably could have figured out the correct "real" answer: Andre the Giant. 7'4" 487 pounds, and the man drank like a fish. Fuck it the man drank like a whale. A blue whale. Here's the story of the time he drank 119 beers in six hours. That's three beers a minute ... for six fucking hours. How many times did he piss? No wonder that dude's dead.

http://www.drunkard.com/issues/10_06/10_06_andre_giant.html

"Animals" by Chris Jones - Esquire

This is a long piece and the second this week on that Zanesville Zoo massacre. I haven't finished reading it yet but I can tell you this: I got off the subway today and read it while walking to the gym, and then I sat on a bench in the gym and read another few pages before the smell of mold and old dudes' sweaty junk made me decide to finish it at home.

And again, everybody is scared shitless of the tigers. I may go to the Bronx Zoo this weekend just to see a tiger. Most badass animal on earth.

http://www.esquire.com/features/zanesville-0312?click=main_sr

"I Was a Teenage Black Panther" by Jamal Joseph - TheAtlantic.com

This is an excerpt from a book this dude wrote about joining the Panthers when he was younger. Starts out with him running from the cops and getting shot at, and then being protected by a group of Panthers in about the most badass way possible. The Panthers do hand him some wise advice right off the bat though. If a cop tells you to freeze, don't run. Once you run, all bets are off.

Running from the cops is like banging another dude's wife. Sure you could do it, but if you do, you better get away with it. Because if you get caught, you could easily get killed before you can say 'bad decision.'

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2012/02/i-was-a-teenage-black-panther/252643/

"The Gifted Young Athlete" by Kenny Powers - Grantland.com

Hahaha. I can do no better service to this letter from Kenny Powers to Tim Tebow than to print this excerpt from it.

"Jesus helps us win at sports games, yet he's nowhere to be found when poor people need important medicine for their kid's infection, or when they're late on a mortgage payment. Think about it. There are folks in Africa who get AIDS without even being gay. Yet here Jesus is, helping me & Tebow out in sports, just because we're maybe a little bit cooler in his eyes. It's a raw deal, plain and simple. Even though he's hooking me up, I still see it's kind of a cocksucker move on Jesus's part."

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7552472/kenny-powers-eastbound-sends-open-letter-tim-tebow

"Win a Championship, Lose a Knee" by Stefan Fatsis - Deadspin.com

Dudes saw Jake Ballard drop like a writhing ton of bricks on the sideline during the Super Bowl right? Torn ACL, and a long road back to healthiness. This guy Fatsis* presupposes that maybe he partially injured his knee on the play, and that the doctors on the sideline let him run away to see if he could go back in, and that's where he really injured himself. Pretty fucked up if so. Here's to you Jake, feel better.

http://deadspin.com/5883428/win-a-championship-lose-a-knee

*Toughest last name for a chick, ever?

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Drew Magary delves deep on whether or not you can recreate specific farts. Like if you eat the same exact thing will it smell the same a month later.

It doesn't work. I've tried. You can't recreate the magic. Once it's lost, it's gone forever. You only live once fellas, grip it and rip it.

We hold no pretenses here at Poop Reads.

http://deadspin.com/5883066/can-farts-be-recreated

"Shut Your Mouth, Chris Christie" by Ron Rosenbaum - Slate.com

Chris Christie is big and fat and loud and Ron Rosenbaum thinks his fat Jersey guy schtick is getting old. I don't care where he's from, I just have no respect for fat people. Like this dude really sneaky wants me to vote for him at some point to be President of the United States? To make the biggest decisions in the world? And he can't decide to not eat that third gabagoul sandwich at lunch? When he's like what? 5'10" 320? Get the fuck outta here.

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/the_spectator/2012/02/chris_christie_s_going_down_gaffe_the_whole_jersey_fat_guy_authenticity_thing_is_over_.html

P.S. If he runs for president he'll legit have a heart attack on the campaign trail. Not wishing it on him, just saying.

P.P.S. It was a complete guess, but 5'10 320 seems about right, no? Nailed it.

"Worldstar, Baby" by Mark Jacobson - NYMag.com

I take issue with this author's claim that the dude who got his ass beat by the shirtless black kid on the L train was the first video on WorldStar to reference WorldStar, but I could be wrong.

Wait you guys know World Star Hip Hop right? It's one of the most ridiculous sites on the web. Just ghetto fights and booty shaking and budget rap videos like you see, well ... on Word Star Hip Hop. It's grimey. Real grimey. New York Mag goes in depth on where it came from, because it's also one of the most popular Web sites in the world. Good shit.

http://nymag.com/news/features/worldstar-2012-2/

"The Ballsiest Call in Super Bowl History" by Brian Burke - Deadspin.com

Click on this article and read the entire series that was going on today between the Slate And Deadspin guys. As I've said all season it's some of the best football writing on the internet.

This one is about that call to let Bradshaw score the touchdown. It breaks it down with Sabermetrics, and apparently if Bradshaw went in the G-Men had an 88% chance of winning and if they kicked the field goal they had a 98% chance of winning. Call me old fashioned but I still would have scored the TD. It's the fucking Super Bowl. Take the points for the win and trust in your D to stop the Pats from going 80 yards in 57 seconds. A lot of things can go wrong on a 25-yard field goal. I dunno, numbers say I'm wrong but as I've always maintained, numbers are for nerds.

http://deadspin.com/5882567/the-ballsiest-call-in-super-bowl-history

P.S. When that ball got tipped and there was a moment from the one angle where it looked like Gronk was gonna come down with it I almost threw up on my Sebagos. Like immediate puke. Can you imagine Gronk's status if he did come down with that? Would be bananas. Best football play ever. Would make the helmet catch look like a father-son toss in the park. Gronk would instantly have become the most famous, most popular athlete in the world and an all-time legend, even if he retired today.

Thank fucking God that didn't happen.

"18 Tigers, 17 Lions, 8 Bears, 3 Cougars, 2 Wolves, 1 Baboon, 1 Macaque, and 1 Man Dead in Ohio" by Chris Heath - GQ.com

First off, read this article.

This Zanesville Zoo thing is about the craziest story to ever happen anywhere ever. You remember, the guy who let like 60 lions and tigers and bears out of their cages behind his home and then shot himmself. Apparently he may have also cut his dick off and tried to feed it to a white tiger before he ate his gun too. Like, what the fucking shit is going on here? Then the cops roll up and have to fight these fucking things like real-life Buckhunter. Dozens of abandoned cars and school buses on the property, neighbors hiding in barns, rainstorm rolling in, lions eating horses. Just the nutsiest, most apocalyptic shit imaginable. Also everybody agrees the tigers were the scariest, which I could see. Tigers don't play.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/newsmakers/201203/terry-thompson-ohio-zoo-massacre-chris-heath-gq-february-2012

P.S. With zero hyperbole I can say that cutting off your own bird and feeding it to a white tiger is the craziest shit available on the menu. Numero uno.

"A Look Inside NBC's Playbook for the Super Bowl Broadcast" by Jeremy Repanich - Deadspin.com

Ever wonder how they get all those ridiculous angles on every single play in the NFL on camera. Wonder no more.

Feel free to keep wondering how the refs always seem to fuck it all up with so many camera angles to watch though.

http://deadspin.com/5881438/a-look-inside-nbcs-playbook-for-the-super-bowl-broadcast

"Rapper Ja Rule serving two years for gun possession, finds a new posse behind bars" by Joanna Malloy - NYDailynews.com

WHERE WOULD I BE WITH YOOUUU!!!/AND BY YOU I MEAN DISGRACED FORMER TYCO BOSS DENNIS KOZLOWSKI!!!

I don't give a fuck if 50 cent did completely and toTally boss him out of the rap scene, Ja Rule had one of the greatest rapper voices of all time. Just burly, and it came out of a dude that looked like a newborn puppy too, which is just wild when you think about it. Where did all that bass come from? How did he accumulate so much gravel in that voice when he looked like just a cutie wutie puppy wuppy. Who's a rapper? Who is it? Is it Ja Rule? Yes it is. Yes you are a rapper! Oh yes you are!

Anyway, dude is in jail now and making friends with Alen Hevesi and Dennis Kozlowski, two big-time white collar criminals. Dennis Kozlwoski once spent like $2 million embezzled dollars to build a giant ice dildo in Greece for his wife's 60th birthday or something. Now him and Ja Rule are boys, and Joanna Malloy from the Daily News has tagged them a "posse". Hip. Really though this shit is surreal.

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/rapper-ja-rule-prison-amazing-posse-article-1.1015716





I'm not wrong.

P.S. Dennis Kozlowski has got to be the most successful Seton Hall grad .. ever?

"Where Lupo the Wolf Goes for Dinner" by Megan Abbott - NYTimes.com

Rao's, y'all familiar? One-time-mobbed-up-maybe-still-is old-school pasta joint in Harlem. I guess some mobster got shot there in '93 and before that in the '70s it was really the shit. Like Carlo Gambino ate there and whatnot. It's supposed to be the hardest table to get in New York and my mom has it's trademarked spaghetti sauce in her refrigerator. I don't know, color me unimpressed. Red sauce Italian joints are red sauce Italian joints. It's hard to improve on a good plate of meatballs or cavatelli and hot sausage, and you can get that shit cheap in a lot of places. I guess if you want to maybe get shot inside a restaurant and definitely get stabbed and/or mugged when you leave this is the spot to go? I dunno, here's it's history though.

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/02/01/where-lupo-the-wolf-goes-for-dinner/

P.S. Megan Abbott is a chick crime novelist. I didn't even know they made those. What'll they think of next?

"Meat of the People" by Bryan Curtis - Slate.com

This is an article about Boar's Head, which you all know, but know nothing about. All I know about it is on the off chance that I go to a gross NYC bodega to get a sandwich (usually piss drunk) that little ugly boar's head on the label makes me feel a little bit better about ingesting the sure-fire rat-nibbled dead animal I'm letting the she-man laughing at al-Jazeera news programs behind the counter make me a sandwich with. It's like a seal of approval that the meat you are about to eat did not come from a homeless person. So ... yay, Boar's Head?

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_middlebrow/2012/01/boar_s_head_a_search_for_the_soul_of_the_deli_meat_purveyor_.html

P.S. Not joking about the she-man thing. I have no idea if the person behind the counter at my local bodega is a man or a woman. I'd guess it's like 60/40 a woman, but I wouldn't bet a dime on it.

"How to Survive a Concussion in an MMA Fight" by Matthew Polly - Deadspin.com

The internet came half short and twice strong today. Only two articles I saw worth your time, but both really solid ones you should read.

This one is by Matthew Polly, a dude who once wrote a book about training Kung-Fu for two years while living with the Shaolin Monks. This is about how not to be a punk about your shit in a fight. If you get punched so hard you time warp 30 seconds into the future, just keep going. Brain damage usually doesn't set in for yyeeaarrsss.

http://deadspin.com/5880477/how-to-survive-a-concussion-in-an-mma-fight

"The Red and The White" by Calvin Trillin - NewYorker.com

Good article by Calvin Trillin who goes in depth on something he mentioned in his last Poop Reads update--wine snobs. The gist of his article is that most people, even experts, can't tell the difference between red and white wine when it's served in a blind taste test.

Wine snobs are really the pits. They're always sitting there asking for the wine to be decanted, and then showing off the sediment to people around them like "oohhh can you believe we almost just drank this? Disgusting!" And I'm sitting there like, "motherfucker, three years ago I saw you puke in your own beer and keep drinking it at some shit bar at the Jersey shore. Get over yourself."

I should note I'm talking about a specific person. Eat shit, Red!

http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2002/08/19/020819fa_fact

P.S. I kid, Red's a good guy.

P.P.S. He's still way too gross to decant wine though.

"The State of the Female Singer' By Tom Junod - Esquire.com

I always thought Tom Junod was my dad's age. Was I wrong? How is he speaking intelligently on Lana Del Rey? I'm confused.

Anyway, I use the term "intelligently" loosely, because while Junod is usually dead on point, he can not sit there with a straight face and tell me that Lana Del Rey is a better singer than Florence Whateverthefuck of Florence + The Machine. That's just wrongheaded.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a Del Rey hater. She's hot and she sounds good in recordings if not on live TV. And I could give a fuck less about her stupid "authenticity." Blue Jeans is a dope song. But Dog Days Are Over is a force of fucking nature. That was probably the best song of 2010. Can't just sweep that shit under the rug because some other singer has an unparalleled set of blowjob lips. Shame on you, Tom Junod.

http://www.esquire.com/features/music/lana-del-rey-album-review-0212?click=top

"A Short Prayer for Advertising" by Stephen Marche - Esquire.com

Great article by Stephen Marche on the death of advertising as we know it. Apparently shit is all trending towards product placement? I hadn't noticed. I'm immune to advertising.* I have no disposable income so I can't be tricked into spending it on useless shit advertisers try to make me think I need to be happy. It's one of the upsides of being a writer.

http://www.esquire.com/features/thousand-words-on-culture/super-bowl-ads-2012-0212?click=pp

*Except Bud Light. I find myself buying Bud Light because of its drinkability. No bullshit. I've been brainwashed by the dumbest ad campaign of all time. I told this to some hipster ad dude one time at a party and he looked at me like he was going to throw up. Think his mouth got the waters. Bro probably spends 95% of his life convincing himself and everyone around him that he's a creative genius, and then you got guys like me fucking around and choosing Bud Light over Coors or Miller because it's more drinkable. I award you zero points, hipster ad bro. You are a failure. Better luck next life.

"Let Me Finish" by David Weigel - Slate.com

This article was pretty good, I have to say. Slate took two professional comedians, Paul F. Tompkins and some dude I've never heard of, and had them critique the three Republican candidates handling of hecklers while onstage. There's video of the specific incidents too. I gotta say, I wouldn't vote for either of these asshats in a million years, but Romney and Newtie Newt handled they bid'nis up on stage. Total shut down of the dirty stinking hippies hurling insults and poorly researched nuggets of faux wisdom at the top of their lungs. Politics is just fucking awful.

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2012/01/mitt_romney_heckler_stand_up_comics_assess_how_santorum_romney_and_gingrich_deal_with_hostile_audience_members_.html

P.S. Romney definitely wants to take that hippie teacher to an isolated rich-person ranch in Alaska and hunt him as human prey. It probably already happened.

"How to Beat up Animals when Animals Attack" by Doug Barry - ModernMan.com

I just wrote about this! It's like Modern Man (where I contribute occasionally) has a line straight into my brain. Which I guess technically they do since I write for them but that's beside the point. The point is, they totally fucked up the wolf part. My technique is so much better than "stand sideways" or whatever the mumbo jumbo is they're spewing. If it's do or die time with a wolf you gotta be a man about yours. Go in there like a boss looking to make wolf hats.

Fighting a mountain lion would be a nightmare though. I want no part of that. Shit defines "jungle cat, razor sharp." I can't defend myself against that.

I'm sneaky a little afraid to fight a raccoon too. Feel like they're dirty and infectious and likely to bite my balls. Just seems like something a raccoon would do.

http://www.modernman.com/how-to-beat-up-animals-when-animals-attack/

"Dinner, Movie, and a Dirty Sanchez" by Siobahn Rosen - GQ.com

Funny article from some chick who has banged a bunch of dudes who watch too much YouPorn. Apparently chicks don't want a thumb in the butt while you blow it in their eyeball? That's not hot? Coulda fooled me.

Real talk though, you guys are fucking twisted. I want a daughter like I want a hole in the head.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/201202/real-life-porn-sex-youporn-facial

"Hysteria and the Teenage Girl" by Caitlin Flanagan - NYTimes.com

Bitches be crazy, yo.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/opinion/sunday/adolescent-girl-hysteria.html?_r=1&hp

"The Grantland National Signing Day Extravaganza" by John Brandon - Grantland.com

Gonna let you in on a little secret. Your boy here digs high school football. All my dudes make fun of me and think it's creepy and call me Uncle Rico. But I don't know how you can be a college football fan without caring about high school. I mean you gotta know the scene. Otherwise how you gonna know who's good and who's bad? Makes no sense. It's a natural continuation of the process to know that there's no fucking way in goddam hell Trinity High is the best team in the goddam country. It's in Kentucky. Do you hear me? KENTUCKY! This ain't horses, grass, or whiskey my dude. This is high school football, and Kentucky sucks at it. Bosco man, it's Bosco all the way.

Too insider-y for you? Well fuck you. Read this and get with the program.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7507996/dorial-green-beckham-gunner-kiel-rest-top-prospects-high-school-football

"At Yale, the Collapse of Rhodes Scholar Candidacy" by Richard Perez-Pena - NYTimes.com

This story is pretty wild and I have a feeling this will not be the last we hear of it. Obviously people heard about the Yale QB who, as was widely reported, dropped his Rhodes Scholar candidacy to play in the Yale-Harvard Game.

Turns out his intentions may have not been so noble. Turns out he was accused of sexual assault, and the school may or may not or may or may not have known about it. It's all a little confusing.

There's a lot of questions raised here. Not the least of which, is why the girl, if she was assaulted by this guy, chose to lodge an "informal" complaint. Also, why aren't the cops allowed to get involved with on campus incidents a gain? How is that even possible? I want Benson and Stabler to go in there like motherfuckers and arrest this kid at the pep rally in front of the whole adoring school, maybe even mid-speech. Instead they got Dean Wormer and his merry band of Yale geeks A. not hashing out justice, but B. ruining lives anyway. Bottom line, if you get raped,for fucks sake, call the goddam cops.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/27/sports/ncaafootball/at-yale-the-collapse-of-a-rhodes-scholar-candidacy.html?_r=1&ref=sports

'Australian Politician Jacks a Movie Quote from a Michael Douglas Movie" by KFC - Barstoolsports.com

Title pretty much says it all here folks. But what are you gonna except shrug? Australia, America's fun, drunk cousin. KFC put together a list of his five favorite movie speeches of all time though, and while it's not technically an article I don't think, my god is it watchable.

http://nyc.barstoolsports.com/random-thoughts/austrailian-politician-jacks-a-speech-word-for-word-from-a-michael-douglass-movie/

"Humblebrag Power Rankings" by Harris Wittels - Grantland.com

Well, the internet giveth, and the internet taketh away. Yesterday I threw up a record seven articles in one day, today only two. But they're both solid.

This one is by Harris Wittles, a writer for Parks and Recreation, and also, obviously, Grantland. It's his Humblebrag column, which I've posted before.

So weird that Poopreads gets a shit ton of hits a day, and I don't even market the blog at all. LOLZ!!! RAOFLMAO!!!!

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7480379/harris-wittels-kanye-west-arian-foster-best-month-humblebrag

P.S. No seriously this shit is mad underground.

"Average is Over" by Thomas L. Freidman - NYTimes.com

China scares the shit out of me. There is no way we could beat them in a war. They're just biding their time, and then they're going to destroy us. I wish there was a punchline to that lead in.

Check out this passage from Thomas L. Friedman's op-ed on why Americans need to be more educated (it's a quote from an earlier Times article).

“Apple had redesigned the iPhone’s screen at the last minute, forcing an assembly-line overhaul. New screens began arriving at the [Chinese] plant near midnight. A foreman immediately roused 8,000 workers inside the company’s dormitories, according to the executive. Each employee was given a biscuit and a cup of tea, guided to a workstation and within half an hour started a 12-hour shift fitting glass screens into beveled frames. Within 96 hours, the plant was producing over 10,000 iPhones a day. ‘The speed and flexibility is breathtaking,’ the executive said. ‘There’s no American plant that can match that.’ ”

"Can't Lose: The Hold Steady's Craig Finn Goes Solo" by Amos Barshad - Grantland.com

The internet gods were kind as hell today. This is my 7th article of the night and quite frankly I'm spent. This is an awesome profile of the awesomest dude going, Craig Finn of The Hold Steady, the best band in the world. He released a solo album today called Clear Heart Full Eyes that is partially inspired by Friday Night Lights. Awesome, just awesome. Can't wait to hear it.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/41803/cant-lose-the-hold-steadys-craig-finn-goes-solo

"Laird Hamilton Says: Turn Your Workout Upside Down" -MensJournal.com

This is Laird Hamilton's new workout column for Men's Journal. Can't really argue with anything the guy says, physically speaking he is closer to a God than maybe anyone on the planet. It's like him and Lebron in my book. Maybe Gronk.

Here he espouses the value of headstands, which is funny because yesterday I did a headstand in my living room, tweaked something in my back HARD, and ended up on the floor in the fetal position for a full five minutes. Haha, funny coincidence! Sometimes I get weird.

http://www.mensjournal.com/laird-hamiltons-says-turn-your-workout-upside-down

"The Quarterback Bangability Index" by TurkeyCurryBuffet.com

My boy Lip sent this to me and quite frankly it's probably the gayest thing I have ever read in my life. I have no idea how lip came across it, and I don't think I want to know. My man gets into some weird shit sometimes. That being said, it's pretty readable, particularly for all you female Poopies (Poopettes?) out there. It's some female blogger rating the bangability of a bunch of NFL quarterbacks.

I will say this. Alex Smith is a good looking man. That doesn't mean I got the gay, it just means I have eyes.

http://turkeycurrybuffet.com/2012/01/24/the-quarterback-bangability-index/

thanks to lip

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

I have no idea why I even post these. Oh wait yes I do. I check my stats and you guys love them for some reason. Here's Drew Magary on dieting, locker room creeps, and wanting to punch high schoolers.

http://deadspin.com/5878811/how-to-lose-weight-without-wanting-to-kill-yourself

"Your Guide to Mitt Romney's Tax Return" by Jim Newell - Gawker.com

Gawker does a decent job explaining just what the big uproar is over Mitt Romney's tax return. Dude paid something like 15% on the $20 million a year or so he was making, mostly off of interest. For those of you playing along at home, that means Mitt Romney pays about $3 million dollars a year in taxes. Yes that percentage is lower than most Americans pay, but the gross is also significantly higher. Plus by all accounts so far he did nothing illegal. He's just a dude trying to pay as little in taxes as he can, just like every single other person in America, save I guess for Warren Buffet. Romney just happens to be filthy stinking rich.

Listen I wouldn't vote for this dude in a million years. The guy's never drank a beer, he looks like an evil stepfather from an after-school special, and I don't trust him. That being said, the people that are mad at Mitt for his taxes aren't mad at him. They're mad at the system, or maybe they're just mad at themselves for being poor.

http://gawker.com/5878851/your-guide-to-mitt-romneys-obscene-tax-situation

"Your Average Business Trip Gone Horribly Wrong" by GSElevator - Totalfratmove.com

When push comes to shove* there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that beats a good poop story. This one from GSElevator had me near tears the other night when I read it.

http://totalfratmove.com/782530

*pun intended

thanks to bones

"Why the Giants Targeted a Player Prone to Concussions" by Barry Petchesky - Deadspin.com

I guess we're all supposed to act surprised here that the Giants knew Kyle Williams had a concussion history and went after him, I suppose trying to concuss him. Really? We're supposed to be surprised? Why come? That's football 101. Not even. That's contact sport 101. In boxing, if the guy's eye is cut, you punch the shit out of it. In karate, if the dude's got a trick knee, you sweep that fucking leg. In football, if Kyle Williams brain doesn't work right you hit him right in his domepiece so hard he doesn't realize a key punt just bounced right off his jelly legs. It's really pretty simple.

Also, why is Deadspin even talking about this? I thought by this point everybody involved with the NFL, coaches, players, fans, brass, were in tacit agreement that yes the players are killing each other slowly on the field, and even if it's not right, it's still OK.

http://deadspin.com/5878686/why-the-giants-targeted-a-player-prone-to-concussions

"Why the Cast of Jersey Shore Must Acknowledge Its Fame" by Patti Greco - NYMag.com

Let's get one thing straight up front. In the history of television. In the history of men, and I use that term liberally, I don't know that I have ever despised anyone more than Vinny Guadagnino. Dopey, big-dicked, balogna-skinned Vinny moping around Seaside Heights with his cunty haircut complaining about getting paid millions of dollars to get drunk and have sex with girls who he wouldn't even sniff if he wasn't on the show. Then (THEN!) he has the balls to look into the camera and say "I'm strong. I'm a fighter, but this is too much" and then walk off the show. Basically he was at great pains to not say "I want my mommy." Which is all his stupid "anxiety" problems are about. Hey Vin, your mom lives a half hour away and you're filming for a month. You're not strong, and you're not a "fighter." You are, in no uncertain terms, a gaping vagina.

At the time they filmed this show the US was fighting two different land wars in Asia, chock full of dudes Vinny's age who actually are fighters, who are 6,000 miles away from their moms and everyone else they know and love, who might get blown to smithereens at any second, and who don't get to drink and have sex with dimes for millions of dollars. Pretty sure every single one of those dudes would trade places with you in a heartbeat and be more entertaining to watch too, because you fucking suck. Get off Paulie D's nuts, loser. In conclusion, FUCK YOU VINNY. I don't even remember what this article is about. Can't stand that guy.

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2012/01/why-the-cast-of-jersey-shore-must-acknowledge-its-fame.html

"Why Is San Francisco So Liberal?" by Brian Palmer - Slate.com

I got nothing against San Fran. People seem like they mean well even if they're a little smug and annoying, and they have good food and beer. Vernon Davis is a grade A asshole, and it's not a warm city. That's it. That's pretty much my whole take on the Bay Area (not including Oakland which is up there with India and China on the list of places I don't have any interest in visiting). I like Anchor Steam and I don't like weirdo passive-aggressive hipsters or overly emotional tight ends. Read on.

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/explainer/2012/01/newt_gingrich_says_president_obama_is_beholden_to_san_francisco_leftists_why_is_the_bay_area_so_liberal_.html

"Inside the Homes of Mexico's Rich and Famous" by Damien Cave - NYTimes.com

I'll give you a hint ... they're all places where drug dealers used to live (and there's a slide show).

I want nothing to fucking do with Mexico. Diarrhea and corrupt cops. That's all they got down there. That and bloodthirsty assassins who make it so that if you go there for vacation and come back with your head still attached to your neck it's considered a good trip. Fuck that. Send my ass to Costa Rica, the food ain't all that but at least the zip lines won't give me the runs.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/19/garden/inside-the-homes-of-mexicos-alleged-drug-lords.html?_r=2

P.S. Diarrhea is sneaky the hardest word in the English language to spell. Had legit zero clue there were two R's chilling in there until 20 seconds ago.

"Michael Jordan's Tragic Style" by Wesley Morris - Grantland.com

Michael Jordan dresses like a fucking asshole. Which I guess makes sense, because by all accounts, Michael Jordan is a fucking asshole. Seriously though, shredded fucking jeans? What is he on his way to sticking out like a sore thumb at a Korn concert? Or in his case, sticking out like a black guy at a Korn concert?

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7475987/wesley-morris-michael-jordan-awful-style

"Spaceman Time Warp: A stoned baseball fan’s look at Bill Lee’s High Times cover story" by Brett Phelps - TheGoldenSombrero.com

So Bill "Spaceman" Lee was this huge stoner, professional pitcher in the 70s. Dude once pitched a no-no on acid. Then he became a cult figure. Appeared on the cover of High Times while still an active player. Here's an insightful reader's review of the High Times profile of him. Fans used to throw dimebags at him. He loved it.

http://thegoldensombrero.com/archives/5834

"The Truth About Marianne Gingrich" by John H. Richardson - Esquire.com

So Ol' Newty Newt's second wife is gonna go on TV tonight and say he is not fit to be president because his actions don't match up to his words when it comes to family values (sort of a big deal for the GOP). Fair enough,he had been fucking around behind her back for six years, even going so far as to ask for an open marriage.* But Esquire's John H. Richardson has spent a lot of time with her, and what she told him about Newt is much, much worse.

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/politics/marianne-gingrich-interview-6641643?click=pp

*Kinda gotta respect the balls on that one. Newt comin' in all smoove like "yo baby let's play the field. It'll be real cool." That fat Dwigth Shrute-looking motherfucker.

"Why Should We Stop Online Piracy" by Matthew Yglesias - Slate.com

I didn't read this. This SOPA shit bores me to tears. I don't give a fuck, and if you posted about SOPA today on your Facebook status you are officially a nerd. Congratulations, I'm sure you've known it somewhere deep down inside, but now there's incontrovertible evidence to your nerd-dom. You're welcome.

That being said, I beat Wikipedia's blackout today. Hit delete right when the page pops up. Bam. Wikipedia doesn't redirect. When I found this out today I swear to God I might have been the smartest person in the world for just a little while. Like everybody else on Earth was working around with no basal knowledge of anything, freaking out and shit, and I was just sitting there like Krang, just a huge brain knowing everything. Guess that's why I run Poop Reads and you read it folks. Blogging takes vision. It takes a vast and continental knowledge base. It takes an iron will.

http://www.slate.com/articles/business/small_business/2012/01/sopa_stopping_online_piracy_would_be_a_social_and_economic_disaster_.html

"YouTube HOF: Terrible Musical Performances on TV" - Grantland.com

You know by now I like this series a lot. Mostly because every single time I post I write something along the lines "I love this series." But this one in particular is good. The smokepop singing "Fuck You Right Back" is probably my favorite (great, succinct write-up) and then the Britney performance is of course unreal. She was not ready for that. Still a little overweight, high as shit on something prescribed, coordination of a boxer past his prime. Still though, I would. Happily. So would you. Don't lie.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/41338/youtube-hof-terrible-musical-performances-on-tv

"9 Things I Learned In The Parent Encouragement Program, AKA Shitty Parents Anonymous" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Parenting. That's what's next. Little noise-making poop machines running around sucking up all your time and resources. Forever. If you have five kids you're literally putting in a century's worth of man hours raising them, and at least two of them will probably grow up to hate you anyway. Parenting. That's what's next.

Here's Drew Magary rehashing his parenting class, which, if you pay attention, will hopefully ensure that only 2 of the 5 hate you, and not all of them. So read up.

http://deadspin.com/5875779/9-things-i-learned-in-the-parent-encouragement-program-aka-shitty-parents-anonymous

"Everything I Needed to Know about Startups I learned from a Crime Boss" by Donald DeSantis - Gigaom.com

This dude Donald DeSantis is apparently a succesful entrepeneur? I'm always dubious of that title. Anyway he learned all his business acumen from some LA drug kingpin it sounds like. This is kind of like the ten crack commandments for MBA dudes.

http://gigaom.com/2012/01/07/desantis-startups-crime-boss/

"Coast Guard Raged at Liner Captain, Tape Shows" by Philip Pullella - Yahoo.com

Dudes been keeping up with this? This Italian Ocean Liner crashed off of the Italian coast because the captain wanted to swing by the shore and "salute" his friend. Inevitably, he hit a rock, the ship sunk, people died, and he was the very first one off the boat, wrapped in a blanket, surrounded by his officers. My buddy Scranga described it as like when Biggie Smalls died. Just a bunch of idiots panicking and surrounding some other idiot who done fucked up now.

Then this fool of a captain got on a lifeboat and got fucking screamed at by the Coast Guard over the radio. The transcript is here. This story would be hilarious if people didn't die. But they did, so this guy should do the honorable thing and hang himself. That's real talk there. This argument is ridic.

http://news.yahoo.com/coast-guard-ordered-ship-captain-back-board-124134509.html

p.s. I wish I knew how to embed video so I could stick in the Family Guy scene where Peter argues with the Italian butcher even though he doesn't know hot to speak Italian. Bippity boppity! Bippity BOPitty? Boppitty bippittee bippitee boppity!!!

"Rembert Explains the 80s" by Rembert Browne - Grantland.com

This article fucking killed me. I'd stamp it a must read but it might be a little too offbeat for some of y'all. Grantland sends this dude Rembert Browne a clip of something 80s related every once in a while and he writes down his thoughts as he watches it. This time they sent him an episode of Double Dare. Shit cracks me up for some reason. Marc Summers was such a prick. I think really most game show hosts are. Alex Trebek is the biggest asshole on TV. So smug. So condescending. So righteous. What a dick.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/40938/rembert-explains-the-80s-double-dare

"Don't Be the Worst: How to Date Multiple Women" by Boobs Radley - GQ.com

Nice article. I have zero use for it, but maybe some of you do. Tips on how to juggle the hoes in your stable. I'm going to go meet my fiance now. I have nothing to say about this article.

Boobs Radley is a funny name.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/201109/sex-column-how-to-date-multiple-women

"Contraband" by Dana Stevens - Slate.com

Nice little article on Mark Wahlberg here. Goes in depth on why people like him. I know why. He goes charming to psychopath in the flash of an eye and he has good abs. Chicks lluuhhhh dat shit. Also, he's a believable tough guy, because he is actually a tough guy. Or at least used to be kind of a punk. You know he did jail time as a kid for blinding some random guy with a sucker punch? Actually blinded him. Look it up.

http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/movies/2012/01/contraband_mark_wahlberg_is_our_most_effortlessly_masculine_actor_.html

"The Weasel, Twelve Monkeys, and The Shrub" by David Foster Wallace - RollingStone.com

I haven't read this yet but I can't wait to. It's DFW weighing in on the McCain2000 campaign (he toured with them for a bit). I can only imagine what this dude would have made of that.

http://www.txtpost.com/the-weasel-twelve-monkeys-and-the-shrub/

"ACI: A New Way to Measure Pretentiousness" by Calvin Trillin - Slate.com

This article is great. I might even stamp it a Poop Reads must read. Calvin Trillin describes his ACI measurement, aka, Asshole Correlation Index. Any activity, interest, or predilection gets a number, which represents the percentage of people who do it who are assholes. Here's a few of my own.

People who do coke regularly: 65
Men who order fish at steakhouses: 80
People who love the jersey shore(place not show): 45
People who hate the new jersey shore: 90
Bros who wear their hats at angles: 35
People under 40 who like jazz: 60
People who refer to themselves as "foodies": 80
Lcd soundsystem fans: 70
People under 31 who decant wine at restaurants: 100

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/low_concept/2012/01/calvin_trillin_offers_a_new_way_of_measuring_pretentiousness.html

thanks phil the dood

"YouTube Hall of Fame: Favorite Embarrassing Songs" - Grantland.com

This is fantastic. Grantland hasn't done one of these in a while, but here their editors pick their favorite embarrassing music videos and write about them. Now I don't really believe that these guys watch these videos once a day like some of them claim--complete fucking bullshit. But! They still did a good job with it.

It's actually a pretty hard subject. I've done some thinking on it and I really don't know what mine is. I mean I watch a lot of Pop Warner hard hits videos on YouTube, and I think my woman is embarrassed about that, but I'm sure as shit not. Some of those little motherfuckers can really lay the wood. Plus like, some 12 year olds are full grown men with mustaches, and others are still little kids, so the hits sometimes are just, I mean, unfair. Kids go ffllyyiinngggg. It's funny to me.

I digress. I guess if I had to pick one music video that's quote-unquote embarrassing to watch that I like, it's Ruff Ryders Anthem. It's got everything: dogs, motorcycles, snakes, fights, and lots of people who if I met in real life would probably stab me and steal my sneakers. I'm a 30 year old white dude from the burbs, the older I get, the dumber I feel listening to rap, particularly gangster rap. And DMX was about as gangster as they came. But I love it. Get's me so amped.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/40723/youtube-hof-favorite-embarrassing-songs-and-performances

Phil probably thinks he should get a shout out for this but I read it before he sent it to me. Gotta get up pretty early in the morning to beat Poop Reads.

"New York is Killing Me" by Alec Wilkinson - NewYorker.com

I didn't have a chance to read this yet because the New Yorker takes some serious time sometimes to get into and I was mad busy today. That being said it was the featured feature on their home page and it's about the dude who maybe sorta kinda invented rap. It's title, and the sharp-ass cheekbones on the dude in the picture, lead me to believe he got hooked on that china china, but like I said, that's just conjecture.

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/09/100809fa_fact_wilkinson

"Fire Congress, Dump Mississippi and Alaska" by Will Oremus - Slate.com

This is an article from Slate about how a private equity firm would run the country. Cutting the fat and selling the spare parts. Streamlining us down into one lean, mean, profit-turning, China-scaring motherfucker. I for one am all for anything that gets rid of Mississippi. Like damn, there's a lot of shitty states in the south, but everybody's got something going for them. Louisiana has New Orleans, food, and music. Florida has Miami and yachts. Alabama's got a damn stranglehold on football. Shit even Arkansas has Walmart. Mississippi's got dick. Hit the bricks bros, you're worthless.

Alaska's got all that oil but if we can't use it then sell, sell, sell. Underutilized resources like you read about on the internet. It's basically a gold mine of oil and I haven't even gotten into the timber yet. Sell it to like, France or somebody who could never ever ever beat us in a war.

Pretty sure I could run a PE firm. How hard could it be?

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/moneybox/2012/01/america_for_sale_how_a_private_equity_firm_would_flip_the_united_states_to_china_.single.html

"Why Are Smart People Usually Ugly?" by Daniel Engber - Slate.com

Simple question. Smart people are ugly because they're nerds. No der.

No really this is a pretty good article but it eschews the obvious. There's only so much good genetics to go around. Like how often do you meet someone who's smart, athletic, and good looking? Not that often, because unless their dick is an innie or something, those people have basically won the genetic lottery. But being good looking, dumb, and uncoordinated, or athletic, ugly, and stupid, shit. That's one in three. Shit makes perfect sense in my head. I don't know if I'm articulating this well, but it makes perfect sense in my brain.

Also smart people are ugly because they stay inside and do math problems instead of GTL'ing which is a real thing and actually does make you better looking. Are guidos smart? Smarter than you think.

http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/explainer/2012/01/are_smart_people_ugly_the_explainer_s_2011_question_of_the_year_.single.html

"A family learns the true meaning of the vow ‘in sickness and in health’" by Susan Baer - WashingtonPost.com

God DAMN this is a sad article. But also oddly uplifting too. This guy was a serious, respected journalist, probably capable of Poop Reads-worthy prose and then BAM! one day he had a heart attack at age 46 and became severely brain damaged. Is that a thing? I didn't even know heart attacks could cause brain damage? I thought that was strokes. Now I gotta worry about heart attacks too? I thought they either killed you or you kept on living and had to cut back on red meat and cigarettes or whatever. This is a whole new ballgame. My cholesterol is high as shit.

Anyway this guy's wife stuck with him. She sounds awesome. Moral of the story: A good woman, if you find one, hang on tight. They're a precious commodity.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/a-family-learns-the-true-meaning-of-the-vow-in-sickness-and-in-health/2011/11/04/gIQAahyAdP_story.html

thanks Alyssa

"BCS National Championship Game: What the Hell?" by Brian Phillips - Grantland.com

Yeah lots of football lately, what of it bitches? It's the post season. I read this piece today and in the middle of it I stopped and said, out loud mind you, "wow, this is really good." If you like football and especially college football this is a must read. If you like good writing this is a must read. I don't know much about this Brian Phillips cat but he has a future. Good shit.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/13677/bcs-national-championship-game-what-the-hell

"The Whole True Story of the Dougherty Gang" by Kathy Dobie - GQ.com

This is a really cool story about that group of siblings from Florida who went on a crime spree last summer I think it was. It's written by Kathy Dobie, a newish writer for GQ who has kind of made a cottage industry for herself of writing about disenfranchised, poor, southern youth. Wild, wild story, and well written too.

Decide for yourself if the author is too sympathetic to the Dougherty's. Yes their lives sound pretty bleak, but I get the feeling she glazes over the fact that the older one is probably a sociopath. Also they shot at cops a bunch of times. That being said, it's hard not to feel for them. Being poor and out of options sucks.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/newsmakers/201201/dougherty-gang-crime-story

"Is Anyone Willing to Defend Modern Rock?" by Amos Barshad - Grantland.com

By and large modern radio rock sucks a fat D. Have you listened to rock radio lately? It's fucking awful. They don't even have a station for it in New York since 101.9 died, God rest its soul. Nickelback, Creed, and whatever limpdick got 3rd place on American Idol last season and his band of pony-tailed nitwits--they all stink. Now this article casually shits on Gavin Rossdale too but I've always liked him since Sixteen Stone.

That being said, there's a ton of really good rock out there right now, you just have to find it. The Horrible Crowes, The Hold Steady, The National, yes even The Black Keys (honestly though if you haven't "found" The Black Keys yet I can't really help you.)

This post really has very little point and I kind of want to watch LSU-Bama right now so I'm out. Read this if you like rock.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/40422/is-anyone-willing-to-defend-modern-rock-n%E2%80%99-roll

"I Hate You on Facebook" by Jared Freid - BroBible.com

Here's my man Jared Freid coming in real crispy with an essay for BroBible about people he hates on Facebook, but who he doesn't defriend because he likes the hate. He feeds off of it. Comedians are sick, twisted people. This dude's a good one too. He does gigs around the city so keep your eyes peeled.

http://www.brobible.com/bronews/story/i-hate-you-on-facebook

P.S. Dudes are really out there defriending people? I've never done it. Not bragging, just being honest. I defriended 80% of my facebook friends in real life years ago, why bother to do it technologically too. Besides, I want to see who got fat. Especially if I don't like you.

"Grizzly Attack" by Madison Kahn - OutsideOnline.com

Buncha dudes got attacked by a mahfuckin' grizzly bear in Alaska. They thought it was a haystack when they first saw it, which is really dumb but whatever, benefit of the doubt, if I saw a Grizzly in the wild right up in my noseholes I'd probably piss my pants twice before the bear said ggrrr. Anyway, my man heard his own skull crack, which I for one, will have nightmares about.

http://www.outsideonline.com/outdoor-adventure/outdoor-skills/survival/Grizzly-Attack.html

P.S. I think I could take a wolf in a fight, do or die, just me or the wolf, only one bloodline makes it out. I have a whole plan. When the wolf leaps, you sacrifice the left arm, let it bite down on the forearm, and then fight through the blinding pain to put it in a headlock, jump up in the air, and crash down on it breaking its neck. Bingo bango, I declare me the winner. I'd make a dope hat out of the wolf, one of those where you can still see the wolf's face and stuff, like indians wore. Fighting through the blinding pain would be the hard part of course, but I think if I had like 6 beers in me I could do it.

P.P.S Fucking NOLS kids.

"Ask a Black Blogger" by Maurice - Barstoolsports.com

Love this series done by Maurice over at Barstool's Philly outpost. Here a white reader with minimal African-American contact asks him a bunch of questions about black people and Maurice obliges him with clarity and wit.

http://philly.barstoolsports.com/around-barstool/ask-a-black-blogger-the-smorgasbord/#more-30107

"An Insider's Guide to Chop Blocks" by Nate Jackson - Slate.com

Trying to watch the Tebow's beat Team Date Rape right now. Excuse the short entry. Here's Nate Jackson on the difference between getting chop blocked and getting cut blocked, and what dudes say on the field during the game about it.

http://deadspin.com/5873830/an-insiders-guide-to-chop-blocks

"It's an All-Football Mailbag!" by Bill Simmons - Grantland.com

Goddam is Bill Simmons not funny anymore. That being said, his readers still are and this mailbag is all about football. Enjoy.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7432606/all-football-mailbag

"You Can't Spell Lush with L-S-U" by Ben Cohen - WSJ.com

LSU's fan base drinks more than any other. No surprise there. I went to an LSU/New Orleans bachelor party last September and my liver, kidneys, heart, and sense of shame still haven't recovered. I literally thought I was going to die at points. I had a buddy that went to school in New Orleans and he drank until his appendix shut down and I think one of his frat brothers killed a campus cop or something? Lil Wayne lost his virginity when he was 4 and shot himself in the chest when he was 11. Tyran Mathieu has a blonde mohawk and he's a black man. My point is, Louisiana is different.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203471004577141180847382556.html?mod=WSJ_hpp_MIDDLE_Video_Top

"The Toughest Guys on the Court: Georgetown's True Grit" by Shane Ryan - Grantland.com

I was kind of so-so on this piece. I thought the writer got a little too cute talking about the time last summer when Gtown hoops got karate chopped into submission by some Chinese warrior basketball team, but that is neither here nor there. I know a lot of you Poopies are Hoyas and so you will read this and enjoy it. The thesis is that Gtown hoops is a better team for getting its ass beat for all the world to see. Draw your own conclusions.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/13294/the-toughest-guys-on-the-court-georgetowns-true-grit

"So What If Mountain Dew Can Melt Mice?" by Chuck Klosterman - Grantland.com

So some dude in Buffalo* or somewhere else shitty is claiming he found a mouse in his Mountain Dew bottle and wants to sue. But Mountain Dew had the absolutely positively disgusting wherewithal to say "that's impossible, if a mouse fell into a Mountain Dew bottle it would melt into a gelatinous blob of unrecognizable mouse matter." Which is shortsighted.

True or not, Chuck Klosterman, who apparently mainlines Mountain Dew all day urryday thinks it would be cool to eat a gelatinous mouse so he's defending his soda.

I dunno, slow day on the internets folks.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/40237/so-what-if-mountain-dew-can-melt-mice

P.S. Forget if it was Buffalo or not but it was someplace shitty and Buffalo seems like a prime suspect to me.

"Person of Interest: Kwame Brown" by Jay Caspian Kang - Grantland.com

Hand to God? I did not read this. But Kang? Caspian Kang? Think it's just Kang, is a good writer and there's an interesting angle here. It's basically the first in a series of profiles of all the lunatics in the NBA.

Kwame Brown was the first pick in the NBA draft in like what? 2001? And then as far as I can recall Michael Jordan coached him on the Wizards and shattered his confidence wholly and ccompletely because Michael Jordan is not-so-sneaky a humongous asshole. And Kwame Brown's life sucked from there on out. One time he did leave a pair of Gucci sunglasses on the bar at the waterfront in DC and one of my dudes ended up with him. Not sure if he swiped them or found them or what but he wore them. He looked really stupid in them too because they were designed for giant black millionaires and not white college bros, but whatever, still kinda cool.

-Hansel

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7421210/kwame-brown